Cinema SmackDown!: Kingpin vs. The Big Lebowski

Our first-ever celluloid deathmatch involves two titans of the lanes: The 1996 film "Kingpin," starring Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid and directed by Peter and Bobby Farrelly, and 1998's "The Big Lebowski, helmed by Joel and Ethan Coen and starring Jeff Bridges, John Goodman and Steve Buscemi.

These two bowling-alley brutes, both acclaimed comedies, will square off in a variety of categories to determine which is cinema's definitive bowling flick.

Protagonists

Kingpin: Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) is a down-on-his-luck former bowling prodigy who lost his hand hustling at an alley.

Lebowski: The Dude (Jeff Bridges) is a passive-aggressive, unemployed layabout who enjoys drinking White Russians, bowling, and CCR, but hates the f**kin' Eagles.

Advantage: Lebowski

Villain(s)

Kingpin: Champion bowler Big Ern McCracken (Bill Murray), he of the massive combover and transparent gold bowling ball with a rose inside.

Lebowski: Nihilists, led by Karl Hungus (Peter Stormare). They believe in nothing.

Advantage: Push

Sidekicks

Kingpin: Ishmael (Quaid) and the vixen Claudia (Vanessa Angel), the former Roy is exploiting, the latter he can't trust.

Lebowski: Unstable, burned-out Vietnam vet Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) and Donny Kerabatsos (Steve Buscemi), his bowling buddies.

Advantage: Lebowski

Amore

Kingpin: Short on rent, Roy has to get down with his landlady (Lin Shaye); both he and Ishmael lust after the sexpot Claudia.

Lebowski: The Dude dallies with Maude Lebowski (Julianne Moore), while Bunny Lebowski (Tara Reid) flirts, and there's some porn going on, mostly off camera.

Advantage: Kingpin

Directors

Kingpin: Bobby and Peter Farrelly, who also teamed up for "There's Something About Mary," "Dumb and Dumber," "The Heartbreak Kid," "Me, Myself and Irene," and "Stuck On You."

Lebowski: Joel and Ethan Coen, who have written, directed and produced films like "No Country for Old Men" (Best Picture, 2007), "Blood Simple," "Miller's Crossing," "Fargo," "Barton Fink," "O Brother Where Art Thou?," "The Hudsucker Proxy," and "Raising Arizona."

Advantage: Lebowski

Famous lines

Kingpin: "You don't mow another guy's lawn!"; "I don't puke when I drink. I puke when I don't."

Lebowski: Virtually the entire script is quotable, but a few standouts: "That rug really tied the room together," "This is what happens when you f**k a stranger in the ass!" "Obviously you're not a golfer," "Donny you're out of your element! Dude, the Chinaman is not the issue here!" "Nihilists! F**k me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

Advantage: Lebowski

Handicaps

Kingpin: Roy lost his hand when goons, upset at being hustled, force his hand into the ball-return machine.

Lebowski: Smokey (Jimmy Dale Gilmore) is a pacifist who gets anxious when he's yelled at (or threatened with a gun); Walter exhibits mental illness traits from his time in 'Nam.

Advantage: Kingpin

Fisticuffs

Kingpin: Roy punches out Ishmael to prevent him from being beaten up by barflies.

Lebowski: The Dude, Walter, and Donny brawl with Nihilists, leading to Donnie's death.

Advantage: Lebowski

Bowling action

Kingpin: A variety of hustles, tournaments and competitions between Roy, Ishmael, Big Ern, and others, complete with laser light shows, Big Ern playing to the crowd, and the underdog (considering Roy was missing his bowling hand) goes for the impossible shot to win it all.

Lebowski: Dude, Walter, and Donnie in league play vs. The Jesus (Turturro), Smokey, and others, with two highlights: Walter threatening poor Smokey with a piece after a dispute over whether Smokey stepped on the foul line ("League play, Dude"), and the pederast Jesus licking his bowling ball and uttering the immortal line, "Nobody f**ks with the Jesus."

Advantage: Kingpin

Winner

Kingpin generates plenty of laughs and does the sport of bowling proud, but can't hang with the film pedigree the Coens bring to the table. Lebowski's high/lowbrow humor sustains itself throughout the film beyond the bowling alley, while Kingpin often sputters when they're not rolling. While there are several really great jokes, there are several that miss the mark. It's Lebowski by a landslide.