A Nightmare on Elm St.

One thing that's not a special feature on the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" blu ray: close-up shots of producer Michael Bay and director Samuel Bayer, lit only by a single candle under their chins, laughing maniacally at what they've done to another franchise while cash rains down on them.

On second thought, I think that is in there. If you want to see it, just pop the blu ray in, wait through the previews, and click "Play" at the main menu.

But speaking of special features, let's just get those out of the way first. Here's what you get: an alternate opening and ending which are each infinitely more ridiculous than the theatrical opener (which is at least half way decent), and exiter (which is ludicrous enough as it is).

Then you get the "making of" featurette which highlights the creative minds behind the film, a produer insists that the key to getting a Nightmare on Elm Street film right is to make sure Freddy Krueger wears the glove, the hat, and the sweater. Then the director tells us that. Then, moments later, star Rooney Mara repeats it as well.

So they got three things right, and that's about all.

The rest of the production, start to finish, is about as wrong as Jeffrey Jones working in a day care.

In true Baysian fashion, everything about this film is amped up. When Freddy drags his knives across metal pipes, we get something approximating that famous skree...and we get the a "SHHH" sound as a stream of sparks fly from his glove.

We get our favorite scenes--Freddy coming through the bedroom wall, the legendary bedroom scene, and something that kind of looks like the geyser of blood , though now it's more like a splash. But all of them are generic CG-fests and all of the originality and heart are sucked out of them with a Shop-Vac.

Jackie Earle Haley ("Watchmen") as Freddy was overwhelmingly ho-hum. His Krueger has some kind of quasi-Forrest Gump voice and is really too short to be all that imposing, scars, razor glove and all. He doesn't have the swagger Robert Englund brought to the role, and the humor he brings, such as it is, feels forced and against Haley's apparent vision of the character.

The victims, of course, are as forgettably vanilla as its gets, and Freddy laps them up like they're on an ice cream cone. It's dull, it passes off loud noises and sound effects for brutality, and it brings nothing of substance to the franchise.

In short, it's an utter failure.

Wonder who's gonna play Jesse in Part 2?

Film: 2 Yaps Extras: 2 Yaps