A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1971)

There are seemingly no virgins to be had, nor are there any zombies, but that doesn't stop "A Virgin Among the Living Dead" from trying its schlocky darndest to horrify and titillate.

Jesus "Jess" Franco directs this 1971 psycho-horror nightmare, which for all intents and purposes, has been buried in a film archive far, far away practically since its release. It was recently remastered and released on Blu-ray last summer, but some movies are just meant to stay buried and forgotten.

Shot in French but overdubbed in broken English (a la Italian Giallo films), "A Virgin Among the Living Dead" has all the makings of an instant schlock classic without any of the viewer payoff. If it weren't for the excessive nudity, it would make for a prime "Mystery Science Theater 3000" candidate. Unfortunately, the movie is a ship without a captain, or at least a ship with a drunken, incoherent one.

That's no metaphor either. Franco doubles as a character actor as well in the role of Basilio, a blathering nonsensical dimwit of sorts. Horror movies have a longstanding tradition of said blathering idiots, most notably Ralph from "Friday the 13th" ("Doomed! You're all doomed I tells ya!"), but Basilio is no such prophetic idiot. He's neither a foreteller of bad things to come nor is he a lovable goof with good intentions, Basilio is simply obsolete. He's not alone in his uselessness.

Every single character in "A Virgin Among the Living Dead," including the lead girl, has little to no value — a shaky foundation for a movie that already has little else to build upon. I've come to expect such vapid characters in B-movies, but this undoubtedly takes the cake. A large amount of the cast blurs together into a single, forgettable, full-frontal blob. There's a blind woman set up to be a wise soothsayer of sorts, but it turns out she is merely another forgettable pawn among a flock of dullards. On paper, the plot actually stands out as an intriguing story despite the terrible onscreen transition.

A young woman named Christina must visit distant relatives at a small castle in order to settle some affairs after the untimely death of her father. Upon committing suicide, her father's soul was claimed by a succubus simply referred to as the "Queen of the Night." We soon come to realize that everyone Christina encounters in the castle is, in fact, dead, as she too falls victim to the satanic powers of the Dark Queen.

The movie plays out like a series of nightmares. Christina encounters myriad strange and satanic events only to wake up naked in her bed, chocking everything up to a bad dream. Pretty classic satanic imagery is utilized throughout the movie: dead bats, lesbian cannibals, blood drinkers and, of course, "ebony phallic" worship, none of which translates to a good time or a sensible time, for that matter. The worst thing a B-movie can suffer from is a lack of thrills and/or laughs, and "A Virgin Among the Living Dead" runs bone dry in both categories.

At first, the movie reminded me a little of Lucio Fulci gems such as "A Lizard in a Woman's Skin" and "The Beyond." However, to make such a comparison after the fact would be utter blasphemy. There are certainly dark and brooding elements that remain untapped in "A Virgin Among the Living Dead," but for the most part, the movie suffers from a wasted budget rather than wasted potential.