Alien from the Deep (1989)

An exercise in Italian cheapsploitation, "Alien from the Deep" is a fun cheesefest that is all bad.

You know you've got something when the box calls it a "Italian ripoff," then misspells its star's name (Marina Giulia Cavalli is called "Maria"), and "Alien" never fails to deliver.

The film centers around two environmentalists who hope to uncover the sinister goings-on of a chemical company. Seems the company has been dumping radioactive materials into a volcano (you know, I'm no scientist, but that just sounds like a BAD idea), and our duo, Jane (Cavalli) and Lee (Robert Marius) are out to get proof, so they bring a video camera to the island and record the dastardly deeds.

The facility, it seems, is government-run, and an evil colonel (Charles Napier) will stop at nothing to keep their experiments a secret, including killing a couple of Greenpeace bleeding hearts who want to go running to the press.

So the colonel chases these two around (with the help of some rather incompetent goons), wasting time until our title character, who is played by a giant hydraulic lobster claw, painted black and throwing in some goopy slime stuff for good measure, appears. There's some reason for it being there revolving around it crashing its ship in the water, then is mutated by the irradiated lava, but you know, does it really matter?

By the end of film apparently the propmasters were able to finish the monster, because you finally get a good glimpse of the monster in all his gawky, gangly glory. That's no joke, because at one point we see only a giant black claw walking across the room.

Actually one-half of our heroic twosome--Lee--is captured, leaving Jane to fend for herself in the unforgiving jungle. But fear not, there's another handsome, slightly dorky snake hunter living on the island named Bob who accidentally helps Jane. He becomes something of a love interest, though they never really do anything overtly romantic.

Cavalli is quite babealicious, and one thing director Antonio Margheriti does well it tease without giving away the goods, as Cavalli is in various states of undress except for the actual state of undress itself. She wears all sorts of tank tops and short shorts and wet t-shirts, but never doffs her top completely. In fact, there's really no sexuality at all, save for a scene early on where Lee "accidentally" feels up Jane.

And lest we forget, there's plenty of other ridiculousness to go around: at one point Jane is in a helicopter hiding from the villains (don't ask). When they discover her, she jumps from the helicopter, which is at least 2oo feet off the ground, and she splashes harmlessly into the water below (coming dangerously close to a rockface on the way down).

At one point Bob, who has to be one of the least believable snake men in the history of cinema, uses a blow dart to subdue a baddie.

In another scene, Bob and Jane hide in a snake-infested cave, and when the goons pursue, and snakes begin jumping out at the bad guys, biting them, and the goons immediately fall to the ground, dead.

Jane also delivers the movie's cheesiest line when she goes off on Bob for no good reason only scant moments after her saved her behind: "Don't touch me, you snakesqueezer! Men like you are all alike! You think you're real men just because you have a pair of balls! Ooh, I could just kill you...you...what did you say your name was again? Ah yes, Bob. Well, Bob, you make me sick."

"Alien" takes a long time to get where it's going, but once it gets there the ride is worth the wait.