Black Easter

This kooky religious-themed science fiction thriller is notable for possibly creating a new category of cinematic retread: the stealth remake.

"Black Easter" is a curious cinematic animal. We've heard of sequels and prequels, remakes and reboots, which are all names for taking the same concept and squeezing another movie out of it. People who think it's a recent phenomenon are mistaken; back in Golden Age Hollywood it was not unusual to do knockoffs shortly after the first, sometimes even using the same casts and directors.

But in this case, a movie came out in early 2020 called "Assassin 33 A.D.," about a band of time-traveling scientists trying to stop the assassination of Jesus -- yes, that Jesus -- by an evil Muslim business tycoon. As near as I can tell, "Black Easter" is just a re-edit of that same movie, possibly with some new material added, with the same cast and writer/director, Jim Carroll, but everyone is acting as if it's a new movie, including separate IMDb pages.

I didn't see it the first time around, but based on the second, if this was an attempt to improve the original they've still got a long ways to go. It at least is notable for possibly creating a new category of movie retread: the stealth remake.

The idea sounds utterly ludicrous -- my first reaction was this was lifted from a forgotten "South Park" episode -- but the movie plays it (mostly) seriously, with a few inept swings at comedic relief.

So you wind up with this tonally weird mish-mash, jumping from loony to dramatic to unintentionally hilarious. There are some fairly decent production values, including some legit-looking sets and low-end special effects, and it's shot and edited competently -- better than a lot of independent film I see.

The acting is pretty uniformly dreadful, including a whole lot of cringe-inducing delivery of clunky dialogue that even Anthony Hopkins would have trouble selling.

So you've got sections where Jesus, played by Jason Castro with absolute conviction, is interacting with soldiers or scientists from the future who seem to be doing camp. I honestly didn't know if this was supposed to be a faith-based film, or a parody of one, or just a straight-up action flick with some religious overtones.

I don't believe the movie truly knows what it wants to be. Some films are confusing, others are just confused.

Morgan Roberts stars as brilliant scientist Ram Goldstein, and I just want to pause here to note that somebody decided to name the lead of their movie Ram Goldstein, which sounds like a Jewish WWE heel wrestler or something. He's the self-described smartest man in the world, and begins working for a mysterious but well-funded company on his idea for matter transfer.

After a lot of blowing things up, his team has a breakthrough when they realize they're moving stuff not just through space but time. It doesn't really make sense, but approximately one minute later this results in teams of soldiers armed with automatic rifles and combat gear jumping through time holes and blowing away Jesus and his apostles, which plays out just as ridiculously as it sounds, more Mel Brooks than Ridley Scott.

Gerardo Davila plays the heavy, Ahmed, a billionaire who appears to be a Manchurian Candidate type, kidnapped as a child and raised by Islamic terrorists. He smiles and plays the role of American success story, but secretly he's communicating with a bin Laden-ish figure about how to put an end to Christianity before it starts. Ahmed does a lot of threatening to kill people, and carrying through with it.

Soon Ram Goldstein -- Jesus God, that name -- and his crew are creating alternate timelines, getting themselves killed, but then starting new time loops where they're still alive, and it's pretty goofy stuff. At one point Ram's scientific partner and girlfriend, Ilsa (Amy Lee), a devout believer, used American Sign Language to communicate to herself over the video monitoring system she knows her temporal counterpart is watching to warn her about how their last plan resulted in most of them becoming dead.

Lamar Usher plays Simon, the designated cool Black dude-slash-funnyman, who's always yipping about the craziness of what's happening and how everyone needs to just chill. He winds up having the most substantial interaction with Jesus, explaining to the Son of God that he's from the future and here to help, not understanding why Jesus chooses to still sacrifice himself knowing what's coming.

Fitting uneasily into all this is Brandt (Donny Boaz), a decorated soldier turned security mercenary for Ahmed, who lost his family in a car accident and now carries a grudge against God for not saving them. He seems torn by all the evil stuff he's ordered to do, but still does it, though deathbed confessions have a tendency to help out with the fate of one’s eternal soul, especially when they're more vertical than usual.

I truly am baffled by this movie. I can envision some way in which a time-travelers-kill-Jesus plot could be made to work. But "Black Easter" doesn't get anywhere close, even with a mulligan.