I felt like I came to a point in my life where I could legitimately say "I've seen it all." Then, a little-known movie like "Blood Diner" comes crashing into my universe, and suddenly my entire worldview shrinks into the size of a walnut. Naiveté aside, "Blood Diner" is true insanity on a level I've never experienced. Not at any point could I foresee what was coming just around the corner, and I loved every minute of it.
Brothers Michael and George Tutman run a vegetarian diner. Literally. The main course is ground-up vegetarians. The brothers take orders from their Uncle Anwar, an infamous serial killer salvaged from the grave after being gunned down by police. Anwar, whose post-mortem existence has been rendered to a telepathic brain in a jar, speaks of a cannibalistic blood feast at which the ancient goddess Sheetar will be resurrected. The brainwashed brothers are instructed to murder various buxom vegetarians in the community to prepare for the final feast. As the blood starts to spill, insanity ensues in relentless waves.
The concept of people unknowingly eating human flesh is not new ("Soylent Green," anyone?), but a diner that serves chopped-up vegetarians to fellow vegetarians is unique all on its own. If that weren't enough to satiate your schlock palate, "Blood Diner" throws in Nazi wrestlers, nude aerobics, a life-sized black cowboy puppet and a litany of other unexplainable nuggets of zany gold. My personal favorite moment of insanity includes an unsuspecting topless girl who gets her head cooked into a falafel ball in a deep fryer before being decapitated with a broom. In the words of Kenny Bania, "That's gold, Jerry. Gold!"
As the body count rises, the blood feast of which Anwar speaks draws near. A replica of Sheetar is constructed using the various body parts of "impure females," a scene vividly reminiscent to that of "Bride of Re-Animator." The body acts as a conduit through which Sheetar will take life, yet when she's finally resurrected at the end of the film it's almost anticlimactic.
"Blood Diner" puts you through the tasteless wringer and the climax ultimately suffers because of it. It's hard to transition from a Nazi professional wrestler named "Little Jimmy Hitler" to a ho-hum blood feast and expect to keep my attention. How's that saying go? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Yeah, that adage applies here somehow, except the cow's life was spared in exchange for human burgers.
Moreover, I feel like it's important to note "Blood Diner" is the product of female filmmaker Jackie Kong. There's a fairly marginalized percentage of women directors to begin with in the U.S., let alone ones mixing it up in a genre as bastardized as horror. To know that this vision of blood-splattered lunacy was crafted by female hands is both groundbreaking, given the year, and dually inspiring.
Much like Kong herself, the movie is a unique forgotten gem of the '80s. It's no coincidence why a majority of the Schlock Vault is stocked with movies from the decade of excess. Simply put, the 1980s were the golden age of delightful degradation, and "Blood Diner" is further proof of such. If I were to compose a checklist of schlock "must-haves," "Blood Diner" would easily exceed in nearly every category. It's an asinine romp with a lot of unexplainable phenomena, but there's never a single lull. All in all, the movie is a full-force punch in the gut that benefits from constantly keeping the viewer off-kilter.
If you're questioning your own sanity for one reason or another, take a dumpster dive into "Blood Diner" and feel the good vibes of true insanity.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gO1xLvw_BM&w=420&h=315]