These vampires and the picture surrounding 'em suck!
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Vampires are definitely my favorite movie monsters. When a vampire flick hits (I’m thinking the likes of “Let the Right One In,” “From Dusk Till Dawn” and “The Lost Boys”), it hits hard. If you’re looking for a sanguine swing and a miss, look no further than “Bloodthirst” (now available on DVD and VOD).
I knew “Bloodthirst” was gonna be bad going into it – it’s a vampire movie co-starring Tara Reid for chrissakes – but I had little idea just how deep its ineptitude would seep.
We’re thrust into a post-apocalyptic desert hellscape. The only survivors (and there ain’t a whole helluva lot of either) are the fleeing humans and the feasting vampires. John Shepard (“Saw” series veteran Costas Mandylor) is a hunter who survived an attack at the fangs of the Vampire Master (Robert LaSardo, memorable from his guest turn as Escobar Gallardo on “Nip/Tuck”). Shepard’s looking to even the score by slaying the Master, which in turn would 86 his entire squad (including Reid’s white pancake makeup-wearing Queen). Little does Shepard know there’s also an Ultimate Vampire Master (Wesley Cannon – under a mask that looks like it was procured at a Spirit Halloween or pilfered from the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” set). (These rules seem as though they were dreamed up by a coupla nine-year-olds on a playground.)
Aiding Shepard in his pursuit are Daddy Thompson (William ‘Bill’ Connor), his Daisy Dukes-sporting daughters Brooke (Sarah French) and Elena Thompson (Elissa Dowling), biker bro Rico (Rich R. Rendon) and friendly thief Charlie (Johnny Huang). Working in opposition of this rag-tag group of misfits is a Michigan Militia-esque band of undesirables led by Torque (Bishop Stevens).
“Bloodthirst” as directed and shot by Michael Su (his last offering was this year’s The Asylum “Transformers” knockoff “Transmorphers: Mech Beasts” starring Tom Arnold) and scripted by Adrian Milnes (from a story by Massimiliano Cerchi – what story?) is an objectively bad movie. It’s poorly directed, poorly written and largely poorly acted. (Notable exceptions on the acting front are Mandylor who lends the proceedings some much needed gravitas and Huang who infuses his character with some amusingly goofy humor.)
What often confused me while watching “Bloodthirst” is that these vampires rarely if ever swallow with LaSardo’s Master being the worst offender. These suckheads don’t seem thirsty in the slightest! I don’t know if the fake blood tasted bad, but these fangers are a bunch of spitters as opposed to swallowers.
My wife and I did enjoy watching the movie in “Mystery Science Theater 3000” mode, but I cannot in good conscience recommend anyone else giving it a view … at least not sober or solo. There was a title card announcing “Bloodthirst 2” prior to the closing credits rolling. This felt more like a threat as opposed to a promise. “Bloodthirst” is pretty much the worst … these vampires and the picture surrounding ‘em suck!