Movies You Aught Not Watch: Broken Lizard's Club Dread

Movies You Aught Not Watch is a weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films from 2000 to 2009.

"Broken Lizard's Club Dread" Rated R 2004

Coconut Pete — a blotto Jimmy Buffett knockoff who owns a seaside-resort blend of Sandals and Sybaris — is the only funny gag in 2004’s “Broken Lizard’s Club Dread.”

But you can get all you need of Pete (Bill Paxton) on YouTube — namely the song “Pina Coladaburg” — allegedly written before Buffett’s “Margaritaville” and containing the line, “Passed out flat on my ass down in Pina Coladaburg.”

As for the rest: Drunkards peeing downhill at an outdoor Buffett show splashed urine on my ankles, and I still find that funnier than anything else in “Dread.”

The Broken Lizard quintet followed its quintessential cult-comedy classic “Super Troopers” with something like “Ten Little Indians” interpreted by five big imbeciles — a slasher parody three “Screams” and three “Scary Movies” too late.

Gross-out gags turn calculable enough to predict a character has violated a goat, and attempts at “horror” are more laughable than the “comedy.”

A murderer is picking off Pleasure Island’s staff, but you won’t particularly care to know what Broken Lizard did six summers ago. (Pity co-star Brittany Daniel, as buff as Linda Hamilton in a film so flabby it has stretch marks.)

Those who grouse about the length of Judd Apatow’s comedies should consider there are more laughs in 1/16th of those than in the 104-minute entirety of “Dread” or 2006’s comparatively masterful “Beerfest."

Funny, in all those end-credit outtakes, there’s no apology. The troupe thanks “the good lord,” but you’d be forgiven for questioning why a benevolent deity let them keep making movies.