Stop me if you've heard this one before:
Midwestern hottie yearns for the bright lights of stardom, gets it, and finds those lights are as hot as they are luminescent. Along the way she finds herself in the employ of a gruff-but-warm-hearted boss, fends off a rival desperate to cling to her spot, and meets a hot young bartender whom she, despite her intentions not to, falls for the guy, with his rock hard abs, killer smile, and secret sensitive side.
No, it's not "Coyote Ugly," but its first cousin, "Burlesque," the hottie is Christina Aguilera (yes, "Genie in a Bottle" Christina Aguilera), the boss is Cher, the rival is Kristen Bell (yes, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"/"Veronica Mars" Kristen Bell), and the abs guy is Cam Gigandet (yes, "Twilight" Cam Gigandet).
Writer/director Steve Antin creates...well nothing, really, but he apes a lot of cliches in addition to the ones I mentioned above. Hmm...let's throw in the slimy, handsome young millionaire (Eric Dane) who wants to buy the ramshackle old club for several times its value...to tear it down and build condos, the acerbic-yet-wise gay man (Stanley Tucci, trying hard) and a dancer (Julianne Hough) who is scared to tell her boyfriend she's preggers.
Before I get down too much on the film, let me say Aguilera has the looks, if not the innate talent, to be a star. Antin has her slink around trying her damndest to look apple-pie sexy, and sure she succeeds most of the time, but it often feels forced, especially in scenes in the apartment she shares with Gigandet.
"Burlesque" of course is about dancing, and Aguilera can do a little of that too. And Gigandet shows a little star power of his own, and yes, he has Those Abs and That Smile, which can keep him waist-deep in romcoms until 2025 or so should he want it. And Tucci...well, he's Stanley Tucci, and he rises above the stock material he's given to offer a standout performance.
But Cher...well, let me just say I'm not the biggest fan of hers. She mostly stands around putting off dealing with her club's impending foreclosure, but defiantly ignoring it until the 11th hour, then...well, I don't want to ruin anything.
Everything about the film is done in a slipshod manner, as if to say, "sorry for this plot, but we got more dancin' to come."
Same goes for the romantic tension, and between Aguilera and Gigandet it is effective at times, but it's derailed by trite, paint-by-numbers dialog you could practically say for them. And so I don't have to repeat myself, you can say the same for virtually every other subplot in the film.
And for the other subplots, it's not getting any better. Bell and Cher have a scene late in the film where Cher says something like "how many times did I hold your hair back while you were over the toilet, throwing up everything but your memories?" Sounds like a great line for her next single.
One more bit with Cher: She has a musical number shoehorned into the film that ostensibly pauses the movie to hammer home this point that she's sad about losing the club. I'm tempted to say it looked like a contractual obligation.
At its core, "Burlesque" shares a lot with "Showgirls." I mean that in the best possible way, of course. But instead of outrageously raunchy, crass, and spiteful, "Burlesque" is predictable, shoddy and clueless.
"Burlesque" is what "Showgirls" would have been had it not realized how sleazy it was.