Cannibal Girls (1973)

know what you're thinking: it's just after Halloween, you need to see a horror movie starring that guy from "American Pie" and a rather high-profile director.

Wait...which "American Pie" guy?

If you want Jim's Dad in a movie directed by the guy who did "Ghostbusters," "Stripes" and "Dave," then "Cannibal Girls" is your movie.

The title "Girls" are black widows in disguise, nubile young nymphs who draw unsuspecting ugly 1970s men back to their house, then butcher and eat them in some kind of satanic ritual.

Because, yes, Eugene Levy stars, along with future SCTV alum Andrea Martin play Clifford and Gloria, two swingin' young urbanite lovers travelling through the small town where these dastardly flesh-eaters live, albeit years later.

That's the gimmick of this film: the story is recounted to them as happening many years prior by the creepy Reverend Alex St. John (Ronald Ulrich), who dresses like the Wizard of Gore and speaks a little like him too. Of course, all of these happenings went down in the very house they're dining in, except maybe the girls are still there and are the Reverend's mistresses.

That's the confusing part about the whole thing: it's played as a look back, but Clifford and Gloria are part of the story, except they're not. It's like a Gourdian knot, and even at the end of the film we're not entirely sure what happened.

And the other problem with a schlock horror film directed by a legitimate director: the gore is pretty realistic, but there's nothing so screamingly bad that you remember it. The body count is relatively low, but we have some pretty gruesome practical effects that work in the context of the film, but honestly Herschell Gordon Lewis handled the same themes with much more panache. No terrible lines or performances so bad they're good.

It's a middling, inoffensive effort, which I mean in the worst way possible: we WANT our schlocky horror films to be offensive. It is worth watching if you're a fan of Levy (and really, who isn't?), and you can check out his period-appropriate clothing and wonderful post-60s mutton chops, big glasses, mustache, and Jew fro, which really is the highlight of the film. The man looks like he's wearing a shrub helmet.