Cinema SmackDown!: Buddy ("Elf") vs. Willie ("Bad Santa")

Welcome back to Cinema SmackDown!, where two icons of the silver screen slug it out for superiority! In this edition, we have two two Christmas Crushers facing off to see who is the modern king of the Yuletide.

In one corner, we have the Merry Mauler, Buddy, played in the movie "Elf" by Will Ferrell, vs. the Sultan of the Season, Willie, played in "Bad Santa" by Billy Bob Thornton.

Who will emerge victorious in this battle of the big-time Christmas movie icons? Let's go ringside and find out.

The Scam

Buddy: A man who, as a baby, stowed away in Santa's pack and raised by elves, travels to New York to find his long-lost father. His goal: Snuggling, eating Christmas cookies until they both puke, and living happily ever after.

Willie: Working with a little person who acts as his elf, a man poses as a department store Santa, works the season, then robs the joint blind on Christmas Eve. Also, drink as much as possible and have sex with as many women as he can.

Advantage: Willie

Uniform

Buddy: The elf suit he was given at the North Pole. Velvety and green, it befits any elf.

Willie: A scraggly, urine-stained mall-Santa suit. A disgrace to the profession.

Advantage: Buddy

Parentage

Willie: A drunk, abusive father who put out cigarettes on Willie’s neck.

Buddy: Papa Elf (Bob Newhart), Buddy’s adopted father, and Walter Hobbs (James Caan), Buddy’s grumpy, work-obsessed birth father.

Advantage: Buddy

Signature Lines

Buddy: “You sit on a throne of lies!” “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.” “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loudly for all to hear.”

Willie: “I said ‘Next,’ goddammit! This is not the DMV.” “I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa.” “They can’t all be winners, kid.” “Is Granny spry?” “I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.”

Advantage: Push

Criminal Activity

Buddy: Trespasses in a department store, which he redecorates for Christmas; possible voyeurism charges could be brought against him for his shower duet of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with female department store employee Jovie (Zooey Deschanel).

Willie: Too many to count, but here are a few highlights: Grand theft auto, burglary (multiple counts), larceny, soliciting prostitution, breaking and entering, criminal mischief, public lewdness, public drunkenness.

Advantage: Willie

Appetite

Buddy: Heaping helpings of the four main Elf food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. He especially seems to fancy shotgunning an entire 2-liter bottle of Coca-Cola and eating spaghetti topped with syrup.

Willie: Whatever booze he can scrape together, mixing in the occasional salad at lunch and maybe an open-faced fried bologna sandwich with salsa on it (It’s like a tostada). Also, nativity calendar chocolates.

Advantage: Willie

Love Interest

Buddy: Jovie, the bright-eyed Gimbel’s employee.

Willie: Sue (Lauren Graham), a bartender with a Santa fetish; random women “from the big and tall section”; a couple of prostitutes.

Advantage: Push

Sidekick

Buddy: Michael (Daniel Tay), his Italian middle-school-aged half-brother.

Willie: Marcus (Tony Cox), his “elf” and partner in crime.

Advantage: Willie

Supervisor

Buddy: Santa Claus (Ed Asner), whom Buddy holds in highest regard. Santa offers Buddy words of encouragement before his journey, then seeks his help after the sleigh breaks down.

Willie: Lily-livered mall manager Bob Chipeska (John Ritter), who nervously questions Willie and Marcus about their "gear," is horrified at Willie's language, and then tries to fire him, only to retract when he inadvertently says some racist things.

Advantage: Buddy

Nemesis

Buddy: Arrogant children’s book author Miles Finch (Peter Dinklage), who gets upset when Buddy mistakes him for an elf. A fistfight ensues, and Buddy ... does not win.

Willie: Gin (Bernie Mac), the mall security agent who makes himself an unwelcome third partner in Willie and Marcus’ scam. Gin's involvement ends when Marcus kills him.

Advantage: Push

Pet Project

Buddy: Decorating his immediate surroundings with Christmas decor. Also, running around New York. Also, fixing Santa's sleigh when it breaks down in Central Park.

Willie: Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly), aka "The Kid," an awkward kid whom Willie befriends.

Advantage: Push

Winner

After an epic struggle, these two Titans of Tinsel both gave it their all, but a cheap shot by Bad Santa gives him the duke. These two maestros of mistletoe were evenly matched, but only one is able to emerge victorious. Each have proven themselves to be Christmas icons whose only equals may be each other.

Previous Cinema SmackDown!

Footloose vs. Dirty Dancing Kingpin vs. The Big Lebowski Batman (1966) vs. Batman (1989) vs. Batman Begins It’s a Wonderful Life vs. A Christmas Story Crash (1996) vs. Crash (2004) Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sylvester Stallone The Rock vs. Vin Diesel