Cinema Smackdown! The Rock Vs. Vin Diesel
I've long said that the worst thing that ever happened to Vin Diesel's career is the day "The Mummy Returns" opened, because it signaled the day Dwayne Johnson, the former professional wrestler known as The Rock, started his movie career. The Rock then began siphoning off the muscle-head action roles that Diesel would have been taking.
When Diesel resorted to making action/comedies like "The Pacifier," Johnson responded by making "The Game Plan" and "Tooth Fairy," again eating Diesel's lunch and all but kissing Vin's girl right in front of him.
Now it's happening again, as The Rock is horning in on Diesel's action franchise, co-starring with Diesel in "Fast Five." Rumor has it the duo will throw down in the movie, but you just know Hollywood is going to wuss out with some kind of ego-saving, ham-fisted tie, leaving us all unsatisfied with no winner of the fight.
So The Film Yap has your hookup: Who would win a mano a mano between these two bronzed titans of the big screen? Is Vin too fast and furious, or will The Rock layeth the smacketh down once more? After years of baiting him, can Diesel step up to the challenge, or will he wilt under the pressure of going one-on-one with The Great One?
Best Film:
For Johnson, it's gotta be "The Rundown," the underappreciated action gem from 2003. Johnson plays Beck, a badass bounty hunter tracking down the runaway son (Seann William Scott) of his rich employer, which leads Beck into a showdown in South America with a ruthless businessman (Christopher Walken) who is enslaving a people for his own financial gain.
For Diesel, let's go with "Pitch Black," another underrated action film. Yes, Diesel was in "Saving Private Ryan" and "The Iron Giant," but I'm not counting those as Diesel films. In "Black," Diesel plays the badass prisoner Riddick, who saves a ragtag group of space travelers marooned on a planet of perpetual sunlight — until the sun finally goes down and giant alien monsters come out of hiding.
Advantage: Diesel
Signature character
For Diesel, it comes down to three: Riddick, Dominic Toretto from "The Fast and the Furious," or Xander Cage from "xXx." I'm going with Riddick, the enhanced rogue superguy from "Pitch Black" and "The Chronicles of Riddick."
No matter what movie role Johnson chooses, he is always and forever the jabroni-beating, pie-eating, trailblazing, eyebrow-raising, step off the brake and put your foot on the gas, always ready to whup some ass, The Rock!
What? You think I should pick a character from one of his movies? It doesn't matter what you think!
Advantage: The Rock
Dramatic Segue
Neither really fancies himself as the serious dramatic type, and The Rock hasn't gone trolling for gold statues yet, but he went relatively serious in the 2005 football-in-juvie drama "Gridiron Gang," another solid flick that doesn't get the love it deserves.
For Vin ... well, there's "Find Me Guilty" and "A Man Apart." The former wasn't very well received, and, well, if you're like me and paid money for "Apart," chances are there's still a little residue from the bile that ate away a little piece of your heart because of the experience. At least Dwayne hasn't embarrassed himself yet.
Advantage: The Rock
Menacing Stare
When crossed, Vin looks like a crazed psychopath, a stone-cold stoic killer whose glance says, "I'm going to snap your neck, drop your body, take a breath, then go have a meatball sandwich at that stand down the street." Of course, part of that is just because he's incapable of making nuanced facial expressions, but it works for him.
Johnson's death stares are full of pent-up rage, and if you keep pushing him, you're liable to find yourself minutes later laying on the floor, your guts all over the deck next to you, while a bewildered Rock is just coming out of his anger-fueled blackout wondering what he did while he was gone. There is a hint of Edam in Johnson's glares, but those eyes are crazy, man.
Advantage: Push
Million-Dollar Smile
With The Rock's sparkling eyes, dimples and pearly whites, he's got the face of a movie star.
Diesel's quite the handsome man as well, with his smolder, but he's not quite the People's Champion.
Advantage: The Rock
Scene Stealer
Riddick was a star vehicle in the making for Diesel from the start, but he was something of a secondary character who emerged as the hero at the end of the film.
For Johnson, it was gay bodyguard Elliot Wilhelm, who was hysterical in the otherwise putrid "Be Cool." Stealing the show from a cast that includes John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Cedric the Entertainer, Danny DeVito, Harvey Keitel, and James Woods is some feat, but Johnson's not done. He also, along with Samuel L. Jackson, stole the opening scenes from the Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg buddy-cop comedy "The Other Guys" as two supercops who realize a little too late that they exist in the real world, not the movies.
Advantage: The Rock
Nickname
"The Rock" is a classic. It's distinct, simple, solid and makes a statement: I will beat you down, flash a smile and move on to the next guy.
Vin's nickname? Vin Diesel. That's right: It's a fake. There is no Big Momma Diesel, no Daddy Diesel, no Grandpappy Diesel or drunk Uncle Jack Diesel. Vin was born Mark Vincent, meaning "Vin Diesel" is a stage name. It's a cool enough name, sure, but as nicknames go, it's a little bulky and Hollywood fake.
Advantage: The Rock
Kiddie Movies
Vin blazed the trail with "The Pacifier," which was hardly a great movie, but was serviceable family-type action/comedy.
Contrast that with The Rock, who made "The Game Plan" and, even worse, "Tooth Fairy." You can add in "Race to Witch Mountain" for good effect. The guy did an episode of "Hannah Montana," for crying out loud.
Advantage: Vin Diesel
Overall Filmography
With a role in "Private Ryan" and "The Iron Giant," as well as multiple entries in the bankable "Fast and the Furious" series and hits like "xXx," Diesel has an established, solid resume.
Johnson has yet to produce a really large hit, and still, 10 years into his movie career, hasn't hit his peak yet.
Advantage: Diesel
Winner
The People's Champion! A Rock Bottom and a People's Elbow, and Dwayne Johnson successfully laid the smackdown on Vin Diesel's candy ass to take the title as the top action star working today. With his role in "Faster," and now in "Fast Five," there's no doubt that Johnson is the top reigning action star working today.
Previous Cinema Smackdowns
Kingpin vs. The Big Lebowski Batman (1966) vs. Batman (1989) vs. Batman Begins It’s a Wonderful Life vs. A Christmas Story Crash (1996) vs. Crash (2004) Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Sylvester Stallone