Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
There's a scene in David Lynch's seminal "Mulholland Dr." in which the main characters attend a mysterious late-night performance. It's one of the most striking scenes of the past decade. Lynch perfectly captures the disorientation and magnified oddities that result from wakefulness when the rest of the world is sleeping.
Sadly, Paul Weitz is not nearly as successful in "Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant," a satirical fantasy based on Darren Shan's popular series of young-adult novels. As the youthful protagonist and his best friend witness a one-night-only freakshow, there's no sense of suspense, thrill or even snarky fun. It's just, for lack of a better word, lame.
After the show, Darren (the ultra-bland Chris Massoglia) steals the pet spider of freak maven/vampire Crepsley (John C. Reilly), which in turn bites the young man's wayward best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson). In order to gain the antidote to save his friend's life, Darren must join the freakshow and a full-on battle of nice versus nasty commences.
Indeed, the word "freak" is thrown around with gusto in the cringe-worthy dialogue. Case in point: "You and I are the last of the Mo-freakins." That's a real line. And if you guessed that Crepsley is referred to in jest as "Craps-ley," you are correct.
"The Vampire's Assistant" is way more ridiculous than sublime. Everything feels like a pale copy of a stronger predecessor, from the watered-down "Edward Scissorhands"-esque view of suburbia to Reilly's community-theatre makeup to the stunt casting. If "The Vampire's Assistant" were a "Friends" episode, it would be called "The One Where Salma Hayek Has a Beard."
There are a few bright pinpricks: it's refreshing to see a vampire-obsessed teenager (in this case, Hutcherson's character Steve) rather than a squealing tweenage girl lusting after sparkles and sex appeal. Jane Krakowski, Orlando Jones and Kristen Schaal make tiny, shiny appearances as fellow freaks, and Patrick Fugit ("Almost Famous") is entertaining as a disgruntled reptilian hipster.
However, these talented actors are woefully underused. In fact, "The Vampire's Assistant" is one big "un:" underwhelming special effects, unfocused plot, unconvincing lead. Hopefully the hinted-at sequel will go unmade.
DVD special features include forgettable deleted scenes and two making-of featurettes.
Movie: 1.5 Yaps
DVD features: 1 Yap