Fortress

This is probably the worst Bruce Willis DTV action movie ... and that's really saying something.

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“Die Hard,” “Die Hard 2,” “The Last Boy Scout,” “Pulp Fiction,” “Nobody’s Fool,” “Die Hard with a Vengeance,” “12 Monkeys,” “The Fifth Element,” “Armageddon,” “The Sixth Sense,” “The Whole Nine Yards,” “Unbreakable,” “Hostage,” “Sin City,” “Lucky Number Slevin,” “Planet Terror,” “Live Free or Die Hard,” “RED,” “Moonrise Kingdom,” “Looper” … man, Bruce Willis used to be beautiful.

Willis’ latest effort “Fortress” – available in limited theaters and on VOD beginning Friday, Dec. 17 before hitting Blu-ray, DVD and Redbox shortly thereafter on Tuesday, Dec. 21 – is the first installment of a proposed trilogy … and it’s far from beautiful. Truth be told, it’s downright pitiful.

Willis stars as Robert, a retired government spook living in a secluded, secure community specifically designed for retired government spooks. The site is overseen by the comely Kate (Kelly Greyson). Robert’s son Paul (Jesse Metcalfe) comes to visit him for the first time in three years after the loss of their wife and mother. The purpose of Paul’s visit is to drum up some capital for his floundering cryptocurrency (how hip!) business. Sparks quickly fly between Kate and Paul.

Just as rapidly Balzary (Chad Michael Murray) and his band of mercenaries (played by Ser’Darius Blain (Fridge in the new “Jumanji” movies) and Sean Kanan (he was Daniel LaRusso’s opponent in “The Karate Kid Part III”)) use Paul’s visit to breach the facility’s security. Balzary’s looking to exact revenge against Robert for seizing $600 million of his ill-gotten terrorist gains, which has placed the villain’s wife in prison and crosshairs on his back. In order to defeat these mercs, Robert, Paul and Kate will need to rely on Ret. Gen. Dobbs (Shannen Doherty – yes, that Shannen Doherty) and rogue soldier Ken Blain (Michael Sirow).

“Fortress” is the absolute nadir of Willis’ rather ignominious foray into the direct-to-video purgatory he’s inhabited for a decade. Willis’ performance seems like: A.) He’s reading from cue cards, B.) He’s acting in a language that isn’t his native one and C.) He’s just awoken from a coma. I’m glad Bruno got a coupla million bucks for a coupla days work, but take some pride in what you’re doing, dude!

Believe it or not, Metcalfe and Murray fare better than this elder statesman of DTV action. Metcalfe imbues his role with some of the same smartass shtick for which Willis was once known – this makes his casting as Bruno’s kid somewhat believable. Murray, an actor whose vibe I’ve dug in stuff such as 2005’s “House of Wax” remake, turns his villainous role into an all-you-can-eat scenery buffet. I wouldn’t say Murray’s good in the movie per se, but at the very least he’s trying and is campily entertaining. A prolonged sequence of Metcalfe and Murray discussing cryptocurrency proves to be a bridge too far as who really wants to hear the Hallmark Christmas Movie All-Stars babble on about such bullshit?

“Fortress” is directed by James Cullen Bressack, who at the tender age of 29 has already amassed 43 directorial credits. (I could barely tie my shoes at 29!) One of these credits is 2021’s “Survive the Game,” which also starred Willis, Murray, Sirow and Kanan. The movie is written by Alan Horsnail (who wrote another 2021 Willis effort “Midnight in the Switchgrass,” which I actually sorta liked) from a story by producer Randall Emmett and actor Emile Hirsch. The entire enterprise is stupid, boring and feels like a sexless Andy Sidaris movie. Sex is what makes a Sidaris movie! Without it we’re left with nothing.

In writing this review I came to the realization that if you combine the villain’s last name with director’s last name you essentially come up with ballsack. That’s what “Fortress” is: a big ol’ hairy, sweaty ballsack of a movie. I highly encourage y’all to skip it this holiday season and instead opt for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas and Careers Past by revisiting “Die Hard.”