Ghosted
You're best off ghosting "Ghosted."
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As far as espionage-tinged romantic action comedies go I’d say James Cameron’s “True Lies” and Doug Liman’s “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” are the gold standard. Dexter Fletcher’s “Ghosted” (now streaming on Apple TV+) isn’t amongst this pedigree. It doesn’t even hit the heights of McG’s so-so “This Means War.”
Chris Evans stars as Cole Turner, an aspiring writer who lives and works on the family farm belonging to his Mom (Amy Sedaris) and Dad (Tate Donovan, looking strangely like one of our founding fathers or a Civil War general).
Cole’s been unlucky in love. A lot of this stems from desperation and neediness according to his snarky sister Mattie (Lizze Broadway).
Cole’s luck appears to change when he has a meet confrontational (as opposed to a meet cute) with Sadie Rhodes (Ana de Armas), an “art curator” he meets at the farmers market at which he’s working. His stallmate Edna (Victoria Kelleher), through a marijuana haze, tells him the two have undeniable sexual chemistry.
Cole takes Edna’s advice and asks Sadie out. She seems bewildered at first, but reluctantly accepts. Coffee turns into drinks. Drinks turn into karaoke. Karaoke turns into bump n’ grind … and I ain’t talking about the song. The two have spent an entire day together. Cole is smitten, thinks he’s found the woman with whom he’s going to spend the rest of his life and … as he’s wont to do … begins bombarding her with text messages (only seven of ‘em … emojis don’t count!).
Turns out Sadie’s a CIA operative (working under the codename The Taxman as a tip of the cap to the Beatles) in pursuit of rogue French agent Leveque (Adrien Brody, sporting a ridiculous accent) who’s looking to sell a weapon of mass destruction called Aztec to evil industrialist Utami (Stephen Park).
Cole assumes the preoccupied Sadie has ghosted him and improbably tracks the asthma inhaler he accidentally left in her purse to London. He impetuously hops on a plane across the pond as a grand romantic gesture. Cole’s promptly mistaken for The Taxman and abducted by the hilariously-named Russian baddie Borislov (Tim Blake Nelson, appropriately enough sporting a Boris Badenov accent). Sadie saves Cole’s dumb ass and the two are now off on a globe-trotting adventure full of bickering to take down Leveque and recover Aztec.
“Ghosted” is directed by Fletcher (he helmed “Eddie the Eagle” and “Rocketman” and ghost directed “Bohemian Rhapsody”) and written by noted screenwriting teams Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick (“Zombieland,” “Deadpool”) and Chris McKenna and Erik Sommers (the Marvel Cinematic Universe “Spider-Man” pictures). It’s the third collaboration between attractive and charismatic performers Evans and de Armas after “Knives Out” (Great!) and “The Grey Man” (Merely good-ish.). It’s also a Skydance Media production, which reliably churns out cool crap like all of the “Mission: Impossible” flicks since “Ghost Protocol,” “Top Gun: Maverick” and the recent “Air.”
On paper “Ghosted” should be a slam dunk … only Dikembe Mutombo showed up with invitations to the block party and wagged his finger in the audience’s faces. It’s an action-comedy with very little adrenaline and even fewer laughs. We’re constantly reminded by obnoxious side characters about how much chemistry Cole and Sadie have (and at times they do), but show us – don’t tell us! Evans is studly. De Armas is sexy. This shouldn’t be so hard and ain’t exactly rocket science!
I suspect Reese and Wernick and McKenna and Sommers worked independently of one another and the script is a disparate mess that never congealed into a cohesive whole. Speaking of value added that turns into value deducted – the soundtrack boasts some of my favorite artists of all-time (Blur, Traveling Wilburys, Wilco and the aforementioned Beatles), but their tunes are used in the most awkward or obvious ways possible. The concluding action sequence is admittedly pretty cool (a revolving restaurant gets turned into a Gravitron – it’s sorta reminiscent of a bit in fellow Skydance production “6 Underground”), but it’s set to Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk.” What is this, 2015?!!!
I’m not opposed to Evans and de Armas teaming up for a fourth project. I just hope they get better material next time out. If you’re only going to watch one current movie featuring a member of the Chrises you’re much better off checking out “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves” (Pine), “The Super Mario Bros. Movie” (Pratt) or waiting for “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3” (Pratt). I’m pretty sure the upcoming “Extraction 2” (Hemsworth) will be better than “Ghosted” too.
Cole’s Dad annoyingly calls him “Coleslaw” throughout the proceedings. “Ghosted” is akin to this BBQ side dish … if it were left outside … on black asphalt … on a 90 degree summer’s day … for hours at a time. That is to say it’s turned. If a flick’s best attribute is its cameos (some of which have amusing connections to Evans’ filmography), you know you’re in trouble. You’re best off ghosting “Ghosted.”