Heartland Horror: The Alpines

“The Alpines” is like “The Big Chill” with a body count ... "The Big Kill" perhaps?

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“The Alpines” is what happens when people stop being polite … and start getting real.

Seven college friends get together at a remote lake house for the weekend. They were prompted to do so via handwritten letters. No one knows who wrote the notes and despite not having seen one another in quite some time they all show up.

The friends are medical resident Gil (Michael Taveira – this dude looks so damned much like Sacha Baron Cohen despite what my wife says to the contrary), his ex-fiancée Logan (Mally Corrigan, who strangely enough has a bit of an Isla Fisher vibe), a married couple comprised of dentist James (Niguel Quinn) and yoga enthusiast Rowan (Katrina Diehm), Manic Pixie Dream Girl Andy (Jessie Mac), group druggie Roger (Daniel Victor) and perpetual third wheel Zach (Aaron Latta-Morissette).

The septet’s getaway takes a dark turn when they peep a message scrawled in blood on one of the cabin’s walls. It reads, “Secrets, secrets are no fun. Seven sinners, one is done.” Shit escalates from there.

Director/cinematographer/editor Dante Aubain should be commended for filming “The Alpines” for $10,000 and in less than two weeks. The script by Corrigan (who also executive produced and did makeup and wardrobe – you go, girl!) is soap-y and sort of ridiculous, but is nonetheless entertaining. Each new reveal sort of plays out like that Coolio song “Too Hot.” (“Aisha slept wit Mark and Mark slept wit Tina/And Tina slept wit Javier the first time he seen her/Javier slept wit Loopy and Loopy slept with Rob/Cuz he was rollin on beads and had a good ass job”) Suffice it to say, these people be fuckin’, y’all … well, everyone except Zach.

Speaking of Zach, the way in which Corrigan’s script tackles his mental illness may be seen as sensationalistic or insensitive, but that’s also true of a bunch of horror classics, i.e. “Psycho,” “The Silence of the Lambs,” etc.

“The Alpines” is like “The Big Chill” with a body count and far less talented actors (some less-than-stellar acting sorta adds to the fun however). “The Big Kill” perhaps?