Maneater

"Watch out boy she'll chew you up/(Oh here she comes)/She's a maneater"

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If shark movies were members of the 1990s Chicago Bulls “Jaws” (back in theaters next weekend with IMAX and 3D presentations!) would be Michael Jordan, “Deep Blue Sea” and “The Meg” would be Scottie Pippen and “Maneater” (available in select theaters and on VOD beginning Friday, Aug. 26) would be Dickey Simpkins. (I suppose it could also be B.J. Armstrong cuz it sucks [redacted]!)

Jessie (Nicky Whelan) is a medical student who’s just been left at the altar. With her honeymoon already paid for, she travels to Hawaii with her homies Will (Shane West), Sunny (Porscha Coleman), Ty (Alex Farnham), Brianna (Kelly Lynn Reiter) and other indistinguishable chumps who might as well be chum.

The group charters a boat captained by Wally (Ed Morrone) and he deposits them at a secluded island. Unbeknownst to any of them, there’s a great white shark on the loose that has developed a taste for blood after devouring the surfer daughter of Harlan (country music star Trace Adkins).

Harlan’s on the warpath and has consulted with local police in the form of Sheriff Kua (Branscombe Richmond, who’s got one of the all-time great names and who y’all might remember from the Lorenzo Lamas series “Renegade” – he’s also credited as Maui Producer here … whatever the hell that is?) and with a nearby university’s resident marine biologist (Jeff Fahey in an extended cameo). Unhappy with these folks’ answers to his questions, Harlan opts to go all ‘Honky Tonk Benelli Glock’ on the toothy terror.