Movies You Aught Not Watch: Hollywood Homicide

Movies You Aught Not Watch is a weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.

"Hollywood Homicide" Rated PG-13 2003

Dear Harrison Ford,

By the time you received this letter, your soul was already dead. It was sad enough watching you attempt career euthanasia in “Six Days, Seven Nights,” “Random Hearts” and “K-19: The Widowmaker.” At least here, you didn’t wear an earring or talk like Boris Badenov.

But you did show your wispy, white-haired old-man chest again in this 2003 stinker, a truly unholy sight. You and Josh Hartnett playing two cops investigating a rap-industry murder while moonlighting as real-estate agents, yoga instructors and actors? Please. Biting into burnt toast for two hours would have been more thrilling.

You and Hartnett had the chemistry of Tom Green and Drew Barrymore’s marriage. OK, maybe it wasn’t entirely your fault. Director Ron Shelton probably didn’t let you in on that “Hollywood Homicide” was essentially just an apologetic make-good for the whipping he gave the L.A.P.D. with “Dark Blue.”

But it wasn’t funny when you mugged with Master P., riffed with Lou Diamond Phillips as a cop dressed in drag, thrust your pelvis in an interrogation room or made love to Lena Olin while eating a doughnut. Watching you flail during a rooftop fight was distressing. And it’s sad you needed an obvious stunt double to only kick someone in the rear.

What really hurts was that you took a pass on Michael Douglas’s role in “Traffic” to sign on for this. What kind of food was Calista Flockhart feeding — or rather, not feeding — you?

Sincerely,

Nick Rogers