Movies You Aught Not Watch: The Master of Disguise

Movies You Aught Not Watch is a weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.

"The Master of Disguise" Rated PG 2002

If you get stuck in traffic next to an accident that brings cars to a standstill, you’re confined to your vehicle.

For those stuck watching 2002’s “The Master of Disguise,” get new friends or renounce your family. Then, employ the best option available to you — free will, your legs and their ability to work together as you swiftly flee the room. Though not literally a car wreck, “Disguise” did claim a casualty — the remaining shreds of comedian Dana Carvey’s dignity.

He plays Pistachio Disguisey, whose incessant high-pitched whine combines Adam Sandler’s Idiot Southerner character with Carvey’s “You like-a da pepper?” guy from “SNL.” Pressed into the family trade of, yes, masters of disguise, Pistachio must save his parents from an evil antiques dealer (Brent Spiner).

Carvey’s routine of repeating random words and phrases ad nauseum (especially as the hideously stupid Turtle Man) might work on a newborn baby. But aside from his take on Robert Shaw’s Captain Quint from “Jaws,” none of Pistachio’s characters was remotely funny.

“Master” clearly sought to be a toned-down version of the generally PG-13 tendencies of Carvey and Sandler (who produced this) — sort of an “Austin Powers” for third graders. Regardless of its intended audience, this lacked the giddy imagination, timing and go-for-broke mentality that makes “Austin Powers” work.

In the end, Carvey likely was left wishing he could disguise himself as Mike Myers. At least then he would be funny.