Look at this man. See his muscles? See his pretty boy scrunchy scowl? Don't you just want to craft an entire film around tose pecs, abs, and strategically trimmed stubble?
Too bad. It's been done.
"Osombie" is supposedly about a zombie Osama Bin Laden leading a Jihad against a group of American special forces soldiers. It's really about this jerk running around drop kicking poorly made-up zombie Arabs. I was disappointed too.
"Evan, haven't you seen any of these high-concept schlockfests? Don't you realize the effects budget only has enough wiggle room for one, maybe two glorious monster money shots?" Yeah, I know. I know! It's hard to pick up "Osombie" with expectations of Oscar gold. The problem is, it's not even good schlock.
Here are my thinks:
"Osombie" is direct-to-DVD fodder for generation of boys who wish their bodies weren't fluffy and their muscles minuscule. This generation's nationalistic narratives are told virtually, fully immersive, requiring nothing beyond a comfy couch and good hand-eye coordination. Does this audience really desire an iota of cleverness to their entertainment? No. They desire hot, perfectly chiseled guys hitting things and then having sex with personality-less civilian women who think yoga pants and thigh-high boots are acceptable attire for traversing mountainous terrain.
Despite the hilarious opening scene of the Osombi re-enacting Jaws and then rising from the water, the film ultimately spends most of the run time focused on eternally shirtless Captain GoodChest and his motley team of commandos running around the same field over and over again for no clear reason. Plenty of violence. Grenades explode. Heads pop. Sacrifices are made.
And then it ends.
All-in-all, it's pretty dull. The lack of wit or charm (unlike, say, "MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus"), caused my attention to wander unforgivable distances. If you aren't a fan of "Call of Duty" video games or seeking catharsis from last night's Fox News marathon, you're probably not the target audience.
It's not really worth owning, or watching, or even thinking about.
Starting now.