Pretty Maids all in a Row

The 1971 sexploitation flick starring Angie Dickinson and Rock Hudson is out in a remastered DVD, though these maids have not aged very well.

Because of the success of his sci-fi camp adventure (and now cult classic) "Barberella," director Roger Vadim was able to make a film in the United States for MGM. "Pretty Maids all in a Row" (1971) is a sex-comedy/murder mystery that film-wise makes "Barberella" film look like "2001: A Space Odyssey."

These "Maids" have not aged well. Get ready...

Set in the ficticious Oceanfront High School in Generic Town, California, the film follows young and horny student Ponce de Leon Harper (John David Carson, making his film debut and looking like the father of Jim Parsons) on his way to school in his senior year. Every girl he passes on his way to school and in the school hallways turns into a Tex Avery cartoon internally. The only thing missing are the horns going "AAAOOOOGGGAAAAAHHHH!"

The school is called Oceanfront, but it might as well been called Roger Vadim High School. All the students (which appears to be 95% female and in their 20s but still too young for Rydell High School in "Grease”) are hot and learning on a brassiere-free campus. What's missing is a Hall Monitor, scolding students for having a skirt that's too long.

"Pretty Maids" was remastered on DVD by Warner Archives, so the numerous upskirt and breast shots are very clear.

Angie Dickinson plays substitute teacher Miss Smith, first-ballot inductee into the Cinematic Dream Teacher Hall of Fame. A teacher who wiggles her hips while writing her name on the chalkboard. When Miss Smith voices how she's impressed with Ponce tackling John Milton's "Paradise Lost" for his term paper, he immediately asks to be excused to the restroom. Apparently, Miss Smith and Ponce don't find Milton as boring as you find Milton (sky-point to Donald Sutherland in "Animal House").

Ponce sits in a stall and... thinks for a bit. He then notices a girl is kneeling in the stall next to him. She is kneeling, but not doing that... she's dead and with a note buttoned to her bottom.

If you're a fan of crime procedure shows on TV, you'll howl at the treatment of a crime scene in a high school where just any boy can just wander in and look at the dead girl. Keenan Wynn is the grizzled (and not too bright) old coot police chief briefly in charge of the scene. Hey, 1970s uniformed law enforcement, button up your shirts! Nobody wants this calendar (See: Alan Hale in "The Giant Spider Invasion" and James Brolin in "The Car").

The best performance of the film goes to Telly Savalas as the police captain. Bringing some swagger that Savalas will better utilize in "Kojack," he takes over the investigation, transfers Wynn to directing traffic and begins questioning every female student he wants. He loves ya, baby.

The only person Ponce can confide in is Big Man on Campus Michael "Tiger" McDrew (Rock Hudson, cashing in all his chips from those Doris Day films and right before "McMillian and Wife"). Tiger is the vice principal, football coach and the guidance counselor who spends the majority of the film "testing" female students. Hudson has an office the size of a bachelor's apartment, complete with a red neon sign ("TEST") letting people know he's in a testing sessions.

By testing, I mean having sex with female students. Matt Lauer must have taken notes.

Hudson is the brains of the school compared to principal Roddy McDowell (on break from the "Apes" films), who comes off as a Fussy McFusserton. He apparently received a bonus for every time he refers to the first dead student as "...a really good cheerleader." There would be more dead girls on this one high school campus, but it's school business as usual, including The Big Cinematic Football Game. The whodunit portion of the film almost comes off as an afterthought.

After Ponce and Tiger (a family man with Malibu-gorgeous wife and adorable daughter)discuss the lad's erection problems, Tiger has a meeting with Miss Smith about her befriending Ponce to help him with his uh... confidence.

"Help him," he said.

"Oh, you want me to be his friend?" said the innocent substitute teacher played by Angie Dickinson with an uncomfortable giggle, thinking Tiger just used a single-entendre.

Yes, the paths of student and teacher do cross into the uncomfortable film sub-genre of the deflowering films of the 1970s (See: "Summer of '42" and "Lifeguard"). Except this is a sex comedy with more sex than laughs.

Did I mention this film was adapted (from the novel of the same name by Francis Pollini) and produced by Gene Roddenberry? His only feature film writing credit.

Gene Siskel once asked if a documentary of two actors having lunch would be more interesting than the film they actually worked on. I wish there was lunch footage of Roger Vadim and Gene Roddenberry and it doesn't have to be at a Twin Peaks (b)reastaurant.

Mrs. Socey likes to describe certain films as "made by boys, for boys." Yup.

"Pretty Maids all in a Row" comes off like a horny episode of the TV series "Room 222." Not a compliment.

Matthew Socey is host of the Film Soceyology podcast for wfyi.org.