Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Neither aggressively bad nor particularly good, the latest incarnation of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" reeks of Michael Bay (who produced but didn't direct) but somehow comes off a little better than you'd think.

Oh, most of the usual Bay hallmarks are there: overproduced action sequences, lame jokes, simplistic (and sometimes inaccurate) characterizations and enough lens flares to give J.J. Abrams an epileptic seizure.

It's occasionally fun, though, with giant turtles pinballing around, bouncing off of bad guys and cracking wise the whole time. If ever any character was created to be a Michael Bay character, it's Michelangelo.

The funniest thing is Bay didn't even direct. Jonathan Liebesman, who helmed the atrocious "Battle Los Angeles" and "Wrath of the Titans," sat in the chair, but many of the creative choices scream Bay, from Shredder's overwrought Iron Man-cum-Transformers-cum-Swiss Army Knife costume to the Turtles' wardrobe choices reflecting their central character traits: Michelangelo is a surfer/skater dude, so he has sunglasses hanging from a beaded necklace, Donatello is the tech guy/nerd, so he has electronic devices everywhere and wears taped-up horned rim glasses, and the hotheaded Raphael has his biker-type shades permanently propped up on the top of his head.

Yes, it's dumb that they connected April O'Neil (Megan Fox) directly to the Turtles' origin story, and it's even more ridiculous that Splinter (voiced by Tony Shalhoub) becomes a ninja master by...reading a book (seriously, he teaches himself from a book he FINDS IN THE SEWER).

And the relationship between master and students is WAY off kilter. When we first meet Splinter, to say he bullies his students/sons is an understatement. After sneaking out to beat up some bad guys against the master's wishes, they sneak back in, hoping he won't notice. Of course he does, and doles out harsh punishment: He beats them up. He even grabs Raphael by the throat with his tail and lifts him against the wall, leaving them all recoiling in horror. It was disturbing to see teenagers who call him "Father" take a beating like that.

The bad guys' narrative is also a bit nonsensical. Businessman Eric Sachs (William Fitchner) owns several high-profile companies and is the darling of the community, being called the police department's "biggest benefactor." Yet he's in league with Shredder to take control of the city. The guy is essentially Donald Trump; he already owns the city. Why would he want to take control of it?

There are a few good character beats (namely those that take place in an elevator as the Turtles prepare for their final battle), but the story here is rushed considerably. By the time Splinter is put in peril, it occurs minutes after we have first met him, so the connection between he and the Turtles just doesn't resonate. And what chemistry we're given among the Turtles isn't developed. We just get pretty, whirling action scenes that run long.

But that action is frequently fun, especially a snowy mountain scene where the Turtles, along with April and her pal Vern (Will Arnett, trying in vain to lift the material), escape the Foot. It considerably stretches credulity (waaaay beyond the four mutated ninja turtles involved in the scene).

But this is a kids' movie, and while that doesn't give it a pass, the best thing I can say about these turtles is they aren't quite the abominations they could have been.