Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows” is the stinkquel to 2014's “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” the Michael Bay-produced live-action revival of the classic 1980s comic / animated series / movie / merchandising juggernaut.

Stinkquel. Ha ha.

That is about the level of cleverness present in this movie because this movie is dumb. Shrug that burn off; at least it's better than its predecessor, right? Sure, but that isn't saying much. If I had to choose between seeing the 2014 movie and going outside to physically move my body, I would choose the physical labor. Yuck. I would stay inside to watch this one, at least. "Out of the Shadows" is a choppy collection of commercials for various toys rather than an actual story. Oh, well. You could've figured that out from the commercials. So what else does this supper of suck have to offer?

Catch-up: The four Turtle brothers are Leonardo (Pete Ploszek), Raphael (Alan Ritchson), Michelangelo (Noel Fisher) and Donatello (Jeremy Howard). They are teenage mutant turtles trained to be ninjas. They live in a big sewer system beneath New York and drive a Speed Racer-esque, souped-up garbage truck. Problem: They can only protect the world at night because they are hideous anthropomorphic turtle-men. In “Out of the Shadows,” the turtle brothers grapple with the fact that they are unable to show their faces in the real world while facing new threats from their nemesis Shredder (Brian Tee), his henchmen Bebop (Gary Anthony Williams) and Rocksteady (Sheamus) and new villain Krang (Brad Garrett). Tyler Perry is around as an evil scientist and is delightful.

Not much of a story here. The turtles fight the bad guys, occasionally doubt themselves and eventually find acceptance in the greater world. Boom, bim, bam. At one point, the Turtles jump from one airborne plane to another, which is kind of random but also entertaining. Later on, they fly around on big blocky CGI bricks (?) that are being used to create a giant pseudo-Death Star above New York, so, y'know. It is what it is. Have you seen "Transformers: Dark of the Moon"? Like that, with zero weight.

Stephen Amell (of CW's “Arrow” fame) appears as Casey Jones. He doesn't provide an inspiring performance but brings a natural likability to the role. Very pretty. For some reason, he yells every single line, but being upset about a bad performance in a TMNT movie is like getting angry about your Taco Bell having too much dog meat; it's baked in, buddy.

Megan Fox is back as April O'Neil, intrepid reporter who never actually does any reporting. She does hop into a schoolgirl uniform for some reason, just to keep Fox in line with the same role she's been playing for 10 years. It's nice to say April is never reduced to being a love interest, but she's never really elevated to being a character. Maybe the fact she's not actually able to have sexual tension with any of the leads works in her favor here.

Speaking of interspecies implications, Bebop (a giant warthog) and Rocksteady (a giant rhinoceros) are actually more likable as human beings before they are transformed into their animal forms. Not that they're ever lovable, but once they make the change they're all fart jokes and slob jokes and fat jokes. It's fine; more intriguing is that they're also very, very close buddies. It is a major aspect of their characters, constantly emphasized. If this movie had a fandom, there might even be a think-piece worth writing about how “Out of the Shadows” depicts a well-meaning but questionably presented homoerotic relationship between two man-animal hybrids (humanimals?). Or are they technically the same species because they both started as humans? I don't know – a good question. Like I said, a think-piece.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise is not inherently bad. It originated from a place of parody back in the 1980s, spoofing dark and gritty mainstream comics at the time. It was a marketing juggernaut from that point forward, morphing pretty consistently into shallower and shallower forms over the years (with notable exceptions; there are some decent comics still running, including "Batman / TMNT"). "Out of the Shadows" is a slight step down from the top of the bell-curve of crap from this franchise, but it is still just a movie made to sell shoddier versions of toys you already bought 20 years ago, this time "for your children."

At least “Out of the Shadows” is nowhere near as godawful as the 2014 movie, in that you can watch it without falling into a state of despair. It's not particularly great or worthwhile, and I'm sure Turtles fans will find a lot to enjoy. To my mind, though, most of the action is boring, the plot is risible and the characters just aren't compelling or interesting. There is nothing holding this movie together, not an ounce of cleverness or bravery in the execution.

Hey, cheer up. At least it isn't a "Transformers" movie.