Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

Lacking the creativity and charm of the original, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a boring direct sequel that's DOA.

The original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was one of the first big-time horror movies I remember renting from my local video store. This, of course, was back in the day and all you needed to do to rent an R-rated horror flick was to nod the affirmative when the high school kid working the counter asked if you're parents knew you were renting the title.

The only off-limits area was the particular room upstairs, but I'll leave that to your imagination. But I digress — now back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Having loved the original, learning that the latest film would be a direct sequel to the original sounded awesome. Were they just using the "Halloween" franchise's playbook to give us the latest movies? Absolutely. Did I care it seemed like a complete rip-off? Absolutely not. Give me blood, give me gore, give me more, more more!

But as I've learned, with age, expectations and reality hardly ever collide as we hope.

This 2022 version of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has its good parts, its bad parts, but unfortunately, not enough body parts to satisfy lovers of the original.

Melody (Sarah Yarkin) and Dante (Jacob Latimore) are eyeing Harlow, Texas, as the prime spot to set up a new utopian town for young people. Along for the ride is Melody's sister Lila (Elsie Fisher and Dante's girlfriend Ruth (Nell Hudson). They are waiting for the arrival of a bus of investors and the only person standing in the way of their vision is Mrs. Mc (Alice Krige), who still claims to own the property.

Still, once the police arrive, she suffers a medical episode and is loaded in the back of the police van along with the loan resident of the former orphanage. Betcha can't guess who that is!

Enroute to the hospital, Mrs. Mc passes away and the man who sliced and diced a group of young people back in 1973 is reborn. I was hoping this is where it would get going, but the film continues to plod along as Leatherface (Mark Burnham) begins to stalk his prey. We lose people along the way, but you're not going to miss any of them because we frankly don't care about them. They are just a means to an end – allowing us to see Leatherface go to work.

This finally happens when he enters the party bus while people are streaming to their social media accounts, and this is when things become more satisfying. Side note, keep a close eye on these scenes because you might see some easter eggs if you look close enough.

Leatherface sets his sights on Melody and Lila, who come to save the day but Sally Hardesty (Olwen Fouéré), the lone survivor from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Sally has become a law officer and has been searching for her killer since 1973, so an epic showdown is in store… right?

What ensues is more than a little disappointing. I mean, she survived the original massacre and has prepared for this moment her entire life, so she can't die, right?! No spoilers here, my friends.

The film closes in predictable fashion with the two sisters facing down the killer and finally silencing the chainsaw forever as the sisters beat him at his own game with Melody using the chainsaw to deliver a kill shot to the face. They watch as Leatherface slowly sinks below the surface of some water in an abandoned theater. Melody and Lila relax and breathe a sigh of relief, but you know what they say – you can't keep a good man down.

While “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” follows the blueprint of the most recent “Halloween” movies, it’s unable to capture the same nostalgic magic. This film lacks any of the charm of the original film until the final quarter of the film and by that time it’s too little too late. Although the final minutes of the film show that while this film is lifeless, the franchise still has some bloody good things to offer.

Burnham does an admirable job playing Leatherface. He deftly captures the creepiness Gunnar Hansen perfected in the original flick with his hulking frame commanding your attention. The rest of the cast is easily forgettable as they fall into various stereotypes that are overplayed and unoriginal.

I’m all in favor bringing back classic characters, but if you do at least let them bring something of importance to the story. The best connection to the 1974 classic is John Larroquette’s narration toward the beginning of the film.

Lacking the creativity and charm of the original, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a sequel that is boring and squanders every opportunity to set itself apart from the rest of rebooted horror flicks.