Life lessons I learned from "The Back-Up Plan:"
Old people exist for my amusement.
As do single mothers, who are typically overweight, Sapphic, or just plain bizarre.
Specialty pet stores are hugely successful in this economy.
As are cheese stands.
Until I am newly pregnant, I will not be able to fully enjoy chili or sex.
And so goes Jennifer Lopez's aborted (pun intended) attempt at a comeback, a rom-com that puts the "artificial" in "artificial insemination." Centering around Zoe's romance with cheesemonger and gentleman farmer Stan (Alex O'Loughlin, who either can't act or was genuinely confounded by the terrible script), which begins minutes after she's inseminated, "The Back-Up Plan" combines unrealistic settings, blander-than-baby-food dialogue, and a soundtrack right out of Lopez's 1999 heyday. Coincidence?
Not to mention the wasted comedic talent. I would have much rather seen a movie about Michaela Watkins' snarky mother of four, Melissa McCarthy's granola support-group leader, or even Anthony Anderson's befuddled playground dad. Yes, I would rather see a movie starring Anthony Anderson. You heard that right.
Not that it ever "had" me, per se, but "The Back-Up Plan" really lost me when Zoe frantically tries to win back Stan via cell phone, while walking down the aisle at her grandmother's wedding. Rather than being repulsed by her selfishness, the audience is supposed to find this cute and funny. At least "27 Dresses" - weak but a guilty pleasure - presented consequences for the main character's sabotage of a wedding. We were supposed to find it awful, because it was. Not here.
Don't even rent this ironically. And Ms. Lopez? Go away.
Movie: 0 Yaps
Special features: 0 Yaps