Movies You Aught Not Watch: The Dukes of Hazzard

Movies You Aught Not Watch is a weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.

"The Dukes of Hazzard" Rated PG-13 2005

Playing the Duke cousins not as affable heroes, but moronic pranksters who never seem to catch on, Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville worked with more respectively challenging material in “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and “A Dirty Shame.”

Bo (Scott) has a literal, disturbing sexual affection for the General Lee, and since when would any Duke boy use a flattening iron? As Luke, Knoxville seems cast for his proven “Jackass” ability to take groin shots and left hooks with strong conviction.

The “script”? All double entendres, gross jokes about panty fetishes, ridiculous references to “The Usual Suspects,” a botched blackface bit, Southern-accented dialogue for Jessica Simpson that makes Kevin Costner sound like a dialect coach and buzz phrases like “BFF,” “man-whore” and “bust a cap” (uttered by Uncle Jesse).

The last anyone knew, Jesse preferred shine to reefer, but then Nelson couldn’t look as he always does — as if the call for action interrupted a deep, luxurious toke. (As Boss Hogg, only Burt Reynolds seemed to be in on the proper tone.)

Rubber-to-the-road energy ramps up only in the climactic car chase of this 2005 turkey. With a $53-million budget and cars fixin’ for destruction, why not ramp up that chase factor? Place the Dukes on a long-distance mission while Boss Hogg tries to foil them. Don’t lump them in an exposition-heavy, laugh-free slog about governmental sabotage.

The Balladeer always sang that the mountain might get the Duke boys someday. Who knew they’d crash the General Lee into it and explode?