The Good, The Bad, and The Schlocky
The Mayan's guessed wrong and we're stuck with one another for at least another year. On the plus side, 2012 was a fantastic year for unrefined cinema and not just relegated to the horror genre either. I left no deplorable rock unturned in my search for the best, the worst, and the schlockiest movies of the year. In a year that featured a Robo-Hitler, the return of 3D Piranhas, a zombie Bin Laden, and kick-ass presidents, 2012 shaped out to be a pretty solid year for B-movies. Whether you Rip Van Winkle'd your way through the entire year or hit the "Red Box" up nightly, may this be your definitive guide to the past year in schlock.
The Good
1. Piranha 3DD
Within the first minute of "Piranha 3DD" Gary Busey bites the head off a piranha and spits it into the audience's direction spiraling forth in all its 3D glory. Hot off the heels of 2010's "Piranha" remake, this follow-up is even more blood-soaked, more scantily clad, and more jam-packed with ridiculous cameos. Aside from Busey's 30 second blurb, Ving Rhames, Paul Scheer, and Chistopher Lloyd all reprise their roles from the last film in cameo bits. Yet, the most note-worthy cameo comes from a rather unlikely source as David Hasselhoff is cast as himself equipped with a "Baywatch" parody that highlights the back-half of the movie. As part of such, the Hoff does a slow motion action run set to the "Baywatch" theme song --- a true cinematic schlock masterpiece in and of itself. The 3D gags in the movie were put to great use once again, the most noteworthy of which includes a blood-soaked castration scene. If it wasn't made clear before, this is most definitely not a movie meant for the faint of heart. Yet, if you're looking for cheap horror fun, look no further than "Piranha 3DD" where blood-drenched slow motion nudity and kitschy one-liners lurk around every corner.
2. FDR: American Badass! The title pretty much speaks for itself, so needless to say I was also pleasantly surprised at the over-the-top absurdity that is "FDR: American Badass!". Presidential super-heroes were all the rage this year so it was nice to see Roosevelt get a little action thrown his way as well. Part period piece and part action comedy, "FDR" is a schlocky gem in the rough that has seemingly all its ridiculous bases covered. Aside from the cripple jokes and Eleanor gags (played by the schlock queen herself Lin Shaye), there are also a myriad of evil doers each more dastardly absurd than the last. When a werewolf attack permanently relegates FDR to a wheelchair the president and his associates soon come to find out that a legion of nazi and communist werewolves overseas are teaming together to topple the United States once and for all. Armed with a chair designed by Albert Einstein sporting spiraling turret guns and a built in parachute, aptly nicknamed the "wheelchair of death", FDR is sent overseas to bring down the werewolf Axis powers. If that description alone doesn't get you salivating at the mouth then you might be reading the wrong 2012 list.
3. Juan of the Dead "Juan of the Dead" is a glorious horror comedy exported straight out of Cuba. Although most would immediately draw comparisons to the groundbreaking "Shaun of the Dead", this movie's unique blend of political commentary set against an island backdrop sets it apart from any movie of its kind. Moreover, despite a recent onslaught of zombie-themed TV shows and movies, "Juan of the Dead" has an original storyline and a cast consisting almost entirely of first-time actors. When a zombie plague overruns their barrio, Juan and his unlikely band of misfits are spurred to form a start-up zombie exterminating business. Being from the politically charged climate that it is, there are several parallels made between the zombies and the disenfranchised dissident lower class. There are a series of unlikely heroes, yet the film is structured in a way that will have audiences rooting for the titular character despite his borderline despicable behavior. "Juan of the Dead" is genuinely funny, gory, but most importantly, refreshingly original as well.
4. Iron Sky Aside from the theme of presidents going toe-to-toe with werewolves and vampires, Nazis have also made a resurgent run in 2012. It wasn't all smooth sailing though, in fact "Iron Sky" is the only memorable movie of the bunch. The plot itself is a foolproof instant schlock vault classic. Taking place in the year 2018, Nazis have come to occupy the dark side of the moon where they hatch plans for world domination via their space battleship, "Gotterdammerung". Back down on Earth, the United States is being led by it's first female president who sees the upcoming Nazi invasion as a ploy to get re-elected to a second term and a chance to utilize the newest American spacecraft, the "USS George W. Bush". "Iron Sky" is heavily influenced by it's multi-cultural background. Being listed as a Finnish, German, and Australian produced film, the comedic value is most directly influenced by it's diversity. Ultimately though, it's Nazis in space, what more could you possibly ask for?
5. Goon
The greatest hockey comedy of all time is "Slapshot". That is not to be debated, nor will it's greatness ever be duplicated. Keeping that in mind though, "Goon" is a worthy entry to the best schlock of the year category keeping the blood and obscenities flying throughout. Seann William Scott plays Doug Glatt, a local bouncer at a neighborhood pub who feels outcast from his predominantly successful Jewish family. Doug soon gets his shot at playing for the local minor league hockey team, "The Highlanders", after he impresses the coach with his uncanny ability to knock people out. Nicknamed Doug "The Thug", he helps guide his otherwise incompetent team to the playoffs punching his way through every game along the way. "Goon" is merely a sum of it's vulgar parts, nothing more nothing less. That's not a bad thing necessarily, because there's enough bloody fist fights and ice action to keep you thoroughly entertained for 90 minutes --- which is more than I can say for any Seann William Scott movie up to this point.
The Bad
1. 2-Headed Shark Attack There's a fine line between schlocky and downright unwatchable, "2-Headed Shark Attack" is sadly the latter. With such a promising title and a tagline that reads "1 body, 2 heads, and 6,000 teeth!", it really is quite a shame. The cast couldn't conceivably be any more inept, starring the painfully vapid Brooke Hogan, the one-dimensional Carmen Electra, and the lesser known O'Connell brother, Charlie. The plot follows a group of college students who are spending a semester at sea. When they get stranded on a remote island with a 2-headed shark on the loose, the students start dropping like flies. The CGI is unforgivable, even for an "Asylum" produced movie. In fact, a majority of the shark attack sequences resembled a video game more than anything else. Ultimately, there's a good reason why there's not a sequel in the works for this utterly abysmal effort. Not to mention Brooke Hogan comes out in the end still alive and well. For shame.
2. Casa De Mi Padre Notably the best of the worst, "Casa De Mi Padre" still has my vote for most disappointing cinematic schlock of the year. Modeling it's format after the overly-dramatic telenovelas made famous by Spanish-language channels, "Casa De Mi Padre" feels like an SNL skit that was forcibly drawn out to 90 minutes. Will Ferrell delivers an admirable performance, especially considering his entirely Spanish-speaking role. Yet, a majority of the film's gags feel terribly forced and purposefully nonsensical. There's a scene in particular with a talking stuffed leopard that ultimately defines the essence of the entire movie. Will Ferrell is not to blame, in fact he does a great job in this. Yet, between a poorly thrown together script and a myriad of jokes that were basically lost in translation, "Casa De Mi Padre" falls just short of unmemorable.
3. Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies Ole' Honest Abe was 1 for 3 in 2012. "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" was an objectionable box office bust while Spielberg's "Lincoln" was a renowned popular success. Which leaves us with the schlockiest of the bunch, "Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies". As mentioned earlier, 2012 was unequivocally defined by presidents warding off the supernatural. If "FDR: American Badass!" represents the best of what presidents had to offer this year, "Abe Lincoln vs Zombies" would undoubtedly represent the opposite end of that spectrum. Where as "FDR" is fun and absolutely absurd, "Lincoln" is painfully boring and worst of all, terribly predictable. Whether he's dueling with vampires or zombies, the fact remains that there needs to be more substance to these movies than just a guy in a top hat and beard slaying the undead. To take such an innately schlocky concept and present it with such sincerity is simply unfathomable. Ultimately, "Abe Lincoln vs Zombies" has all the makings of a classic B-movie without any of the proper technique and execution.
4. Osombie With easily one of the most creative titles of the year, "Osombie" unfortunately fails to live up to it's clever moniker. I'll even go as far to say that "Osombie" has the best looking zombies of anything I've seen this year. Yet, special effects and a slick name can only take you so far. Taking place in Afghanistan where a once dead but newly risen Osama Bin Laden is building an army of zombie terrorists; it now falls on the shoulders of a small group of NATO special forces to eliminate the ever-growing horde of undead. Unfortunately, there simply isn't enough carnage to keep most zombie fiends satiated. Nor is there an adequate amount of Al-Qaeda/Operation Enduring Freedom jokes to speak of. A dialogue-driven zombie movie is just an absurd concept. Apparently the filmmakers didn't get the memo that nobody wants to see soldiers standing around talking when there's an Osama zombie that needs dealt with.
5. Nazis at the Center of the Earth Rounding out the bottom of the B-movies comes a highly flawed Nazi-zombie romp set in the middle of Antarctica. Similar to a schlock vault entry from years past called "Dead Snow", "Nazis at the Center of the Earth" follows a surviving group of Nazis led by Josef Mengele who have taken shelter in an underground bunker in the Arctic. Despite being adapted from the popular "Wolfenstein 3D" PC game, starring a Busey, and even including a Robo-Hitler, the movie still stands to be nothing more than yet another Asylum produced dud. You can have all the Nazis, and zombies, and mechanical Hitlers you want, but without a somewhat progressive plot it's hard to keep most people's interest for 90 minutes. "Nazis at the Center of the Earth" simply doesn't hold up to other B-movie Nazi romps of the year, most notably the far superior "Iron Sky".
...and the 2012 Schlocky Award goes to...
[REC] 3: Genesis Everybody loves a wedding. Everybody loves zombies. So who wouldn't love a zombie wedding equipped with all the bowel ripping blood-soaked goodness we've come to expect from the "[REC]" franchise? Amidst the found footage craze, "[REC]" has managed to stay a notch above the rest with a brutally realistic portrayal of ground zero carnage. Moreover, the trilogy has single-handedly made zombies a legitimate threat again. Not since Zack Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead" remake have zombies been this unrelenting in their pursuit for human destruction. "Genesis", the third installment of the series, is a refreshing departure from the raw essence of the first two films. "[REC] 3" is an overall crisper movie and its high definition carnage is a direct result of its noticeably larger budget.
Most notably, the movie is no longer a shaky handheld perspective throughout, towards the back half of the film is a seamless incorporation of more traditional cinematography but done so in a way that is not jarring or detrimental to the essence of the "found footage" plot. That's not to insinuate that the movie is any less high octane, in fact this is easily the bloodiest and most violent entry to date. Where as the first two movies were connected with a common theme, "[REC] 3'' has a stand alone plot. The premise is centered around a young couple's wedding in northern Spain, shot primarily from the multiple perspectives of the guests attending. When a relative shows up to the reception showing the all-too-familiar symptoms of the virus exhibited in the last two films, it doesn't take long for the elegant event to quickly devolve into an anarchistic onslaught of cannibal-ridden carnage.
Frankly, it was quite the treat to see a chainsaw wielding vixen take on the lead role donned in little more than a blood-splattered wedding gown. This idea of a newlywed bride having to somehow regain sanity and order on her "special day" by slaughtering her own guests is an on-going theme throughout the film that I never grew tired of. Amidst this massacre though exists an honest-to-god love story. Ironically enough, the romance is the anchor of the movie for it lends a great deal of empathy for the main characters. The love this young couple shares garners both comedic value and a vested interest for the audience as well.
From the first kiss as bride and groom to the gloriously absurd final kiss of the movie, "[REC] 3" is a gory schlocktastic thrillride unlike any other in recent memory. There have been some noteworthy contenders for the shoddy crown this year but this is far and away the most delightfully unrefined movie of 2012.