The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel comes across as such a down-to-Earth, truly geeky guy that he deserves unlimited chances to impress in my book. It's a shame he rarely does. His three prominent franchises — Fast & Furious, xXx, and Riddick — are noteworthy for his dedication to them rather than the movies themselves (the past three "Fast" movies excluded).

"xXx" is Bond with a twist; Riddick is his take on science-fiction mythology; "The Last Witch Hunter" is Diesel's attempt at "Dungeons & Dragons," but instead it comes across as Diesel doing "Underworld" or "I, Frankenstein" or any other mediocre CGI-driven supernatural warrior picture. "The Last Witch Hunter" is dead on arrival, an oddly joyless outing for Diesel and too by-the-numbers to stand out from the rest of the B-action crowd.

Diesel plays Kaulder, an immortal man from medieval Europe who became deathless during a final confrontation with the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht). He has spent the ensuing years working for the Axe and the Cross, helping imprison or execute witches who use their powers for dark purposes. His journey is joined by the Dolan, a priest who records his triumphs and tribulations. When the retiring 36th Dolan (Michael Caine) is found dead on the eve of his retirement, it is up to Kaulder and the 37th Dolan (Elijah Wood) to solve the murder.

As a by-the-numbers action flick, it's not hard to see precisely where the plot of "The Last Witch Hunter" takes Kaulder and Dolan. A conspiracy is discovered, his allies may not be what they seem, etc, etc, etc. This script was supposedly on the 2010 Black List for well-liked screenplays that hadn't yet been put into production. It's a wonder what re-writes can accomplish. "You're too late! This world is mine," says the Witch Queen, constantly. "Not yet!" says Kaulder.

Kaulder's story, as per classic action hero protagonist, boils down to "learning how to live." He meets a cute, sassy good Witch, learns to smile, learns to laugh, and in the end regains his mortality from the Witch Queen. Oddly enough, the ending of the movie sets a new status quo that feels much more open to fun, lighthearted adventure stories. Like many movies these days, what appears to come next feels much more interesting than the story told first. I guess that's franchising in a nutshell.

While the plot is pretty standard, the tragedy is that the action is, too. It feels under-produced. Kaulder largely fights poorly defined CGI monsters, which are very darkly colored, in dimly lit environments. The only clear fight scene, set in an overgrown post-apocalyptic New York City, quickly shifts to a dark, dirty cave. Darkness, darkness, darkness. You can tell what is happening, but there's little reason to. Cut to sword swing, cut to dodge. Cut to sword swing, cut to dodge. Slow-motion sword throw. Dramatic look! It's bland action in a bland environment.

In a world with so many incredible action-fantasies available either online, at Redbox or even your local library, there is little reason to recommend "The Last Witch Hunter." It lacks fun, heart and, most damning for a fantasy film, imagination. It's thoroughly mediocre: You've seen it before, in one form or another, and you probably didn't like it the first time.