Well, I got about 20 minutes of true blue action in the live-action film version of "The Smurfs." Maybe I should be happy about that.
I'm not sure it's a coincidence that your average half-hour television program runs about 22 minutes (including an episode of "The Smurfs"). Maybe that's all this material can handle.
But the studios had to stretch it out to somewhere around 90 minutes. So we get a needless excursion into New York City, no doubt because the honchos didn't think little blue creatures would give people characters to whom they could relate, although I'd ask them to watch, I don't know ..."Lady and the Tramp," "Bambi" or, more recently, "WALL-E" or "Kung Fu Panda" or dozens of other films which did just fine with few, if any, actual human characters.
So here's our story framework for the unenlightened: The Smurfs are a collection of little blue creatures (three apples high) — Papa Smurf (voice of Jonathan Winters), HIS 98 sons (all, by the way, named for a personality trait) and one daughter, Smurfette (voice of Katy Perry). They are smurfy little characters, carefree and footloose, living in a forest village filled with houses that look like large mushrooms.
Their nemesis is Gargamel (Hank Azaria), a curmudgeonly sorcerer with a cat named Azrael and a burning desire to capture the Smurfs and drain their "Smurf essence," which enhances his magic or something. In the cartoon, if I recall correctly, Gargamel and Azrael just found the Smurfs oh-so-delicious, but hey, it does make more sense this way.
When Gargamel stumbles upon the Smurfs' village (which is rendered invisible by a magic shield), he destroys their village. The Smurfs flee, but five of them are separated and stumble upon a magic portal in a cave, which leads to ... New York City?!
Yes, New York City. Gargamel follows, which leads to "real-world" hijinks when the Smurfs meet Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris), who has an adorably pregnant wife (Jayma Mays) and a new job as the VP of advertising for a perfume company or something, along with a boss (Sofia Vergara) who's more a cartoon than any of the blue creatures in there.
So the rest of the movie is basically Gargamel lost in New York looking for his little blue adversaries while the Smurfs hide out with Patrick and his wife. They cross paths on occasion, fight for awhile, stop and wander around a bit more. This is all framed around a centerpiece where Patrick and the Smurfs engage in a rollicking ... game of "Guitar Hero." Seriously. "Guitar Hero." You remember that game, right? It was popular for awhile, but in 2011, with a man pushing 40 playing his heart out, it comes off as lame and isn't even an effective marketing tool given the plug was pulled on that game series nearly a year ago.
For those of you looking for a little clarity in your adaptations of old cartoons, here's a little hint. Call it rule number one in Good Cartoon Adapting: If your movie spends a significant amount of time making fun of details in the movie, someone doesn't understand the material. We get jokes about why 1) Smurfette is the only girl Smurf among 98 brothers and a father (and of course we get a "creepy" joke); 2) Smurfette wears one style and color of dress; and 3) why the boy Smurfs are named after minor character traits. Seriously, people, good screenwriters come up with plausible explanations for stuff like this, although, to be fair, the only girl Smurf thing is given a quickie explanation. She was created by Gargamel to lure in the other Smurfs but was so wholly good that she rebelled against him.
The lone bit of thoughtfulness is in paying "Smurfs" creator Peyo a little homage, saying he wrote mythic stories about the Smurfs but that no one believed they actually existed.
There are also Smurfy stereotypes: Smurfette is utterly floored there is more than one style of dress in the world. This was cute the first time around, but by the second and third times it's brought up (followed by a subsequent shopping scene), we get the feeling that this is all Smurfette cares about.
Also, there's something inherently wrong with using the Smurfs' favorite adjective as a substitute for the f-word. "Smurf that" or "You've gotta be Smurfing kidding me" just seems inappropriate and crude. I don't recall if either of those exact phrases were used off hand, but "smurf" was used in place of the "really bad" swear words on several occasions. And, really, guys? "I kissed a Smurf and I liked it"?! Honestly?
I hate to even mention acting here, but Azaria actually acquits himself well as the movie's villain. The filmmakers missed an opportunity to have Gargamel square off one-on-one with Papa Smurf and Gargamel, who is undoubtedly a buffoon, still humiliated and not even afforded the courtesy of having new ways to be beaten down by the world. (It would have been fun to see a Master Shifu / Tai Lung-style throwdown between the two of them in the climax, but hey.)
And also, George Lopez? Seriously? When was the last time he even said something funny in public?
"The Smurfs" can rightfully take its place among movies like "Marmaduke," the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" pictures and "Garfield" as just another blind cash-in — the latest on the list of fun '80s properties reduced to kiddie fare that's not even memorable enough to be called forgettable. It's cinematic cardboard that enriches no one (sanitized, shoehorned "message" notwithstanding), exists for no other purpose than to give a studio another vessel to plink a few more coins into its coffers, and irks those of us who would like to see some effort put into a quality version of these properties.