The Take Out Move

A dim-witted and dull comedy about a pair of supposed assassins both given the same target plays more like a ComedySportz sketch that went on too long.

“Based on the real facts of a fictional true story,” reads the title card of “The Take Out Move,” a dull and dim-witted comedy that’s kind of like that tease: it has the promise of something silly and fun, but just turns out to be an amateurish attempt by wannabe filmmakers.

Written and directed by Andrew Simonian, the set-up is in the title — two assassins are both assigned to take out a young woman. They don’t know that the other guy has also been given the job. Only one of them can succeed, and the other will be terminated.

This is given in a rotating-camera interview between the boss (Zack Kozlow) that cuts between the two men being given the job. They are Whalen (Jeremy Sless) and Davis (Nick Grace), who look even less like killers than you’d expect. They are both Gen-Z bro-dudes with scruffy clothes and unfortunate facial hair.

Whalen and Davis look more like porn star tryouts than hitmen.

Anyway, the object of their attentions is Amber (Alexandra Miles), a winsome lass who is strangely open to having her life invaded by these two strangers. She accidentally knocks Whalen out with the door while he’s ineptly stalking her, and nurses him a bit inside her house.

Later Davis shows up with some flowers and a sob story about getting dumped by his girlfriend, who he thought lived at the same house. Again, Amber seems like a child who harbors no suspicion towards these bizarre guys, and indeed invites them to stay, play games and hang out all day.

From there, the film turns into a series of fast-paced vignettes that bear little connection to each other or even make much narrative sense. At one point Amber makes them pose in the nude together for a portrait while holding an apple, and there is an ongoing gay panic conversation about what body parts are accidentally touching other body parts.

There’s a whole lot of other frat boy humor like that, stuff that was starting to seem a little insensitive and out of date back when Van Wilder was doing his thing.

I will say there is one genuinely funny bit where the men are comparing their dogs, pulling out their phones and showing pictures, etc. and Amber is in the next room and thinks they’re talking about their junk. It’s a moronic and crude moment, but the two actors don’t give up and milk it for everything it’s got, which is a lot more than the rest of this movie can boast.

“The Take Out Move” is actually a feature-length remake of a short film from the 1990s, and the closing credits show some of the scenes from the movies side-by-side. All I can say is that this material was much better suited to the short film length. It’s also strange that this young cast and crew, who obviously had nothing to do with the earlier flick, decided to pull this particular aged rabbit out of its hat for another go-round.

With its frenetic pace, disconnected scenes and jokes that often land like a rubber chicken, the movie plays like a ComedySportz sketch that just went on too long.