Movies You Aught Not Watch: Tomcats

Movies You Aught Not Watch is a weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000-2009.

"Tomcats" Rated R 2001

Desperate was almost too kind a word for 2001’s “Tomcats,” not so much a movie as director Gregory Poirier’s failed application to the Farrelly Brothers Country Club.

Even those looking for gratuitous T&A walked away disappointed, unless Jerry O’Connell’s hairy tuchus floated their boat.

As bad as it is, don’t dare call it poorly researched. Sperm bank-ejaculate, massive-erection and testicular-cancer jokes speak volumes for Poirier’s viewership of “Road Trip” and “The Tom Green Show.” Calling out the Farrellys and the Wayanses for a gross-humor throwdown is his primary goal, not creating anything funny.

The movie takes its title from a group of commitment-fearing womanizers who are despondent after a buddy’s wedding. Their solution is to pool money into mutual funds and give it to the last single “tomcat.”

Seven years later, there are only two — Michael (O’Connell) and Kyle (Jake Busey). Facing a gambling debt, Michael tries to pair off the unctuous Kyle with Natalie (Shannon Elizabeth) — the only woman Kyle’s ever liked. But wouldn’t ya know it? Michael falls for Natalie, too!

Few films stray as far from such a “plot” as “Tomcats” does, incongruously parodying “Mission: Impossible 2” and “American Beauty.” A cancerous testicle sequence goes on forever sans laughs, and Poirier remembers his romance last-minute as if smacked upside the head.

A rapid-fire, take-no-prisoners brand of raunchy humor can work in the right hands, and did many times in the Zeroes. But, as evidenced by “Tomcats,” Poirier would rather have had his hands dirty than deft.