Troll 2 (1990)
"Troll 2" comes off as it probably is: an American film made by people who speak very little English, and haven't watched a horror film in 20 years, and decides one day to make one.
Or, perhaps, it was made by children, for children.
Either way, the result is a schlock classic.
The film is an in-name-only sequel to the 1986 horror film "Troll," which counted among its cast Julia Louis-Drefyus, Sonny Bono, and June Lockhart (of "Lassie" fame).
"Troll 2" features no trolls (they're called goblins throughout the film), and stars a man who would go on to become a dentist, a man fresh out of a mental hospital, and a boy who would grow up to make a documentary about how bad this movie is called "Best Worst Movie."
The basic plot: a family goes on vacation to a town called Nilbog, which purportedly has 26 residents. There, the family uncovers a plot by the citizenry (who are all actually goblins in disguise) to turn people into plants (or some sort of slimy plant extract), so that the goblins, who are vegetarians, can eat them.
Why the goblins would go to all this trouble to turn humans into plants, when they have ample foliage all around to nosh on, seems a bit strange, but stick with me here.
The goblins turn humans into plants by tricking them into eating this green goopy stuff, which they disguise in cake icing, put on English muffins, in Kool-Aid, and on corn on the cob. Yes, people eat corn on the cob with what looks like a long string of green toothpaste, without asking questions.
Joshua, the youngest child, sees (and talks to) his dead Grandpa Seth, who warns him not to go to Nilbog, but refuses to come show himself when adults are around. He later talks to Joshua's older sister Holly. Why doesn't he just talk to the grown ups?
Then you get to the fact that every one of the characters are certified idiots, even by horror film standards. The good guys move themselves further into danger when their tormentors give them ample opportunity to escape, the adults don't believe the children, even when two children tell the adults the same story, and shrug their shoulders when presented with decidedly strange-looking food.
And then we have the goblins themselves, little monsters in burlap sacks, with masks that look like they were bought on clearance at Wal-Mart the day after Halloween.
The dialog is as priceless as the costumes, with lines like "you don't piss on hospitality!" (after Joshua pees on the tainted dinner the townsfolk provide his family), "What, are you trying to make me a homo?" (after a girl punches a boy in the junk), and "There're sandwiches for tonight in here! It'll go easier on you if you eat'em. It'll make our work easy. Otherwise, we'll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!" (spoken by the town's sheriff after the family has holed themselves up in their house).
In another scene, the mother (Margo Prey) commands her son to sing "that song I like," and is giddy as he belts out "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
A bit of trivia: Laura Gemser, who played Emmanuelle in several of the 1970s skin flicks, was costume designer for this film.
Overall, "Troll 2" wasn't made by a coked-out, unemployed Hollywood writer looking for a quick score, but rather a talentless, deluded Italian director and his wife who thought they made a good movie (and watch "Best Worst Movie" to see director Claudio Fragasso, who is credited in the film as "Floyd " discuss his opus).
Bottom line, "Troll 2" is the perfect storm of crappy filmmaking, a confluence of lack of talent, a rushed production (with an Italian crew that speaks no English, and an American cast who speaks no Italian), and miserable effects that produced one of the best worst movies of all time.
Rating: 5 Yaps out of 5