Twilight still sucks!

Get sharpening your stakes, Twilight fans, because what follows might not settle too well with you.

A few months ago, I whipped up a commentary about why Twilight sucks. Since then, I’ve had people I know and people that I don’t attempt to explain the allure of the series to me. They claim that to judge the series solely upon the movie is unfair. So being the fair guy I am, I picked up a copy of the original book and cracked it open.

I slouched down in my chair and began to flip some pages. I had to cut my reading short about a quarter of the way in, due to the fact that I was afraid that the cover might peel back to reveal a shirtless Fabio staring back at me. It might be more than a story just about vampires, but it’s nothing more than a romance novel aimed a pre-teens.

That being said, the preview for the newest installment, New Moon, looks promising. There seems to be a lot of possible action sequences and it might not focus solely on Little Eddie and Bella and their silly forbidden romance. I get that’s why tweens love it, but I’m not so sure about adult women – including my Mom.

I get that Mr. Cullen is supposed to be the most beautiful creature Bella’s ever seen, but what I don’t get is why a pale, glittery skinned dude is the object of so many women’s fantasies. He’s a fictional character, folks. It would be like me lusting after a space princess in a metal bikini… OK, we’ll that’s a topic for another therapy session, so let’s stay on target.

After the initial trailer for New Moon, you know, the one where Bella almost cuts her finger completely off due to a paper cut, I had little hope for the new flick. I am a writer, so I tend work with paper every day and I’ve never, ever had a paper cut that sent blood cascading to the ground. I know it’s cinema, but for the love of God — make it a little bit interesting, not laughable.

In my first commentary I wrapped it up by saying:

“I would qualify Twilight as one of the worst vampire films put on the big screen — ever. I ‘m sorry, but I want some kick-ass action in a vampire flick. You know, blood sucking, chasing beautiful women and scaring the living daylights out of me. What I got was a big screen equivalent of Dark Shadows. Slow, lame and predictable”

I completely stick by those statements and I gave it another watch to make sure that I didn’t judge it unfairly. It’s cotton candy hidden in a Robert Pattinson packaging. It might look good, but after a quick indulgence, you find yourself wanting.

I will be attending a screening for New Moon in a few weeks and if the film is good, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I’m not holding my breath. I think it has a lot of promise from what I’ve seen, but I think it’s a ploy to pull people such as myself into the theater, get my money and then shove the same watered-down romantic nonsense down my throat.

My biggest fear is that my wife will discover the books and make me cake myself in body glitter and not allow me in the sunlight for months. Oh yeah, just for those keeping score — I’m Team Jacob.