Zombie-fied? Not so much.

Wow. I think that’s the best word I can use to describe director Rob Zombie’s take in his second installment of Halloween. I was hoping I would be running from the theater scared shitless, crying into the night “Wow!” and praying to once again get Zombie-fied. That wasn't the case.

If anyone went to see this flick, and from the look of the box office receipts you didn’t, you know what I’m talking about.

Why have directors come to conclusion that we must be learned in the mythology of what makes the killer tick? We finally saw how Jason was able to move so quickly around Camp Crystal Lake. Underground tunnels? Are you joking?

I loved growing up and not knowing or believing that some malevolent darkness helped propel Jason around the camp or that Myers was just insane. I like the unknown. Unknown is what makes us jump, scream, cry and beg for more.

After Zombie’s first stab a Halloween, I was on board for a sequel he said he would never make. Then the news came that, in fact, he would be directing Halloween II, but it was going to be his take on the material. If his previous films were any indication, the newest film would be dark, demented, yet ultimately delightful.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was privy to some inside info and have obtained the actual transcripts from the story planning meeting. Beware; what follows is a completely fictional account.

RZ – “Hey, I want to do a sequel to Halloween.”

Studio Head – “OK, but you said you didn’t want to do another one. What gives?”

RZ – “Well, I think I would like to have another go and move it into a different direction.”

SH – “Great! What direction is that and what’s the plot?”

RZ – “Plot? We don’t need no stinkin’ plot. We’ll have some blood, a big knife and a mishmash of ridiculous moments. Mikey will roll cars, walk really slowly and have a beard. The kids will love it.”

SH – “Right…but don’t you think we should have a plot? I think we should at least think abo… did you say a beard?”

RZ – “Yep.”

SH – “Mr. Zombie, that is the most brilliant idea I’ve heard in a long time. We’ll rush the production. Also, to optimize our box office performance, we’ll release the film on the spookiest day of the year – Aug. 28.”

Alright, my “meeting” transcript was ridiculous I’ll admit, but that something I can at least do – admit it. I truly believe that Halloween II was a legitimate shot at making a scary movie. I was far from scared, I was disappointed.

I will throw down with anyone concerning Zombie’s talent as a director. I think he’s able to capture some really great shots that are disturbing, but at the same time beautiful. What I believe to be the weakest aspect of his repertoire is writing or storytelling. He needs to move away from the “let’s shock them” mentality and learn to weave a masterful tale of horror.

Lastly, why on Earth would you release the sequel to a horror classic as the end of August when Oct. 30 is ripe for the taking? You have control over one of the most feared and loved characters in the horror genre and the title of your franchise is HALLOWEEN. You should own that weekend, but maybe they looked at their product and thought they could take the third offering of the Final Destination franchise and reign box office supreme.

I guess they thought wrong.