Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

I have one simple request when it comes to movies. If you're going to have words such as "cannibal," "massacre," "gore" or "blood" in the title, please do your best to live up to the billing. “Zombie Island Massacre” lacked any pizzazz on any level, resulting in a boring film that has one good twist and a obvious lack of blood or gore.

Don't be misled; there is a massacre (to some degree) happening on Zombie Island, but everything is covered in shadows. Not revealing the baddie until late in the movie is what I like to call the “ 'Jaws' effect," but in “Massacre,” we get fleeting looks at a person in what would be describe as "jungle camo." Who knew a quick trip to Gander Mountain is all you needed to make a horror film?

Also, its very cookie-cutter plot line leaves a lot to be desired. Here it is: A group of tourists decides to venture out to Zombie Island (always a good choice of travel destinations), but becomes stranded. One by one, they're hunted down as they try to make their way to the only source of sanctuary available, a large white house on top of a hill. Simple enough, right?

In addition to some of the worst acting I've seen in a long, long time, “Massacre” is laughably predictable. I will give the film credit for having a nice unexpected twist at the end, but other than that, it's a dud with minimal blood and gore; even the shots when people get hacked are shadowed and hard to see. Maybe they didn't have much of a makeup budget and those shadows would help with the film’s creepiness.

Talking Schlock, “Massacre” is a big disappointment. It has most everything you could want including bad acting, cheap special effects and a recycled plot, but the film doesn't take any steps to do anything unique. Not counting the twist toward the end, the film is a bore even when people are dying. When the action happens, there's no cringing, no wincing or even laughing. The characters have one path to follow to their sanctuary and the filmmakers followed a seemingly identical path — not many curves or obstacles, just straight ahead and without much scenery.

“Zombie Island Massacre” is a boring film with missed opportunity after missed opportunity. Steer clear of this non-Schlock Vault Certified bomb.

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