Another Take: F9
The memory of a hip street racing movie left long ago in the dust, the "FF" franchise has clearly wanted to be the next James Bond for some time -- and now has its mortifying "Moonraker."
My colleagues Andy Carr and Bob Bloom have already weighed in with their takes on the the ninth (or 10th) “Fast and Furious” movie, so I wouldn’t belabor you with a long review. I did have a few things to say, though.
“F9” -- sounds more like a software hotkey than a movie title — actually has “The Fast Saga” as its subtitle, though it seems like no one’s using it. I have to admit I can’t really remember what happened in the last movie, or even the last five.
This one is sort of a “the gang’s all here” reunion, bringing back characters from earlier in the franchise, including Lucas Black who was in the third one, “Tokyo Drift,” which is sort of the Mustang II of the series — everyone’s embarrassed by it but not enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.
Some villains return as well, including Charlize Theron as computer genius Cypher, though if you’d made a bet with me about whether Theron had previously been in an FF movie I would’ve bet wrong. Dwayne Johnson is gone, Jason Statham has a cameo, and John Cena is the new baddie, though I actually thought he’d already been in a previous one.
To say these movies are forgettable is an understatement. It’s like cheap candy: just enough sugary thrills to satisfy a quick urge, disposed of and unlamented in its passing.
A hallmark of the franchise is that people die, go away for awhile, then come back again. Michelle Rodriguez was dead for a bit, and Han (Sung Kang) was dead, but now isn’t. Even star Vin Diesel gets his own mini-death within this movie. The only ones who don’t die are the Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson characters, who actually muse about whether they’re immortal because they never seem to get hurt.
That’s great, but it also means there is no real peril, because we know nobody’s truly going to suffer for very long.
You may have heard that this movie ends up in space. I can confirm this is true. In a 1980s Pontiac Fiero strapped to some rocket boosters, of all things. Yes, it’s just as ridiculous as it sounds. I don’t mind ridiculous, but the barest hint of plausibility is nice.
The memory of an edgy street racing movie was left in the dust long ago. It’s been clear that with increasing budgets, international settings and blammo stunts, FF wants to be the new James Bond franchise. With this movie, it has its “Moonraker.”
There isn’t even that much car action, the emphasis being on hand-to-hand combat. It gets old faster than the actors did.
The people act goofy, and look goofier. Most of the cast look like they’ve been through a recent crash makeover of fasting (Black and Rodriguez look positively emaciated), tooth veneers, chemical peels, hair plugs and spray tans. It’s distracting. Diesel, who was born resembling the offspring of Yul Brynner and a Dungeons & Dragons orc, somehow has become the most normal-looking human in the bunch.
Cena, playing Vin’s long-lost evil kid brother, of course looks so unlike him they have to throw in a line where someone comments on how they don’t look like brothers. Cena is just terrible in this, his facial expressions moving even less than whatever Toppik/spackle blend he’s calling his hair. Not sure how someone can jump around on top of trucks going 80 mph and not one follicle budges.
Look, these movies have always been as dumb as a bag of rocks. I don’t mind stupid movies as long as they recognize they’re stupid and celebrate it. I think Vin and the gang are dead serious with all this “it’s about family” bullcrap. It went from annoying to maddening to embarrassing.
The end can’t come fast enough.