“Nine Lives” is about Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey), a careerist father turned into a cat named Mr. Fuzzybottoms because he doesn't pay enough attention to his wife, Lara (Jennifer Garner), and his daughter, Rebecca (Malina Weissman).
It is your run-of-the-mill “person is turned into animal / snowman / etc. to learn what it means to be human,” albeit filled with ADR dialogue recorded by Spacey, who clearly hadn't seen the film for which he was recording dialogue.
I recommend it. It's fine despite itself. I had to get rid of my cat Lyanna a week ago. I am not fine.
Spacey opens “Nine Lives” with a monologue about how his character hates cats. “They never do anything for you! They would eat you in your sleep! They're unappreciative.” Of course, this rant actually describes Brand himself — an uber-capitalist, doddering-dingus billionaire.
His single dream is to open the largest tower in the United States. His corporate board disagrees and wants to sell the company he built to make themselves richer. On his daughter's birthday, Brand runs across Mr. Perkins (Chrisopher Walken), who turns Tom into a cat so that he will learn to show love through various acts of self-sacrifice.
To make matters worse, Tom's adult son, David (Robbie Amell), must fight off a corporate takeover while Brand is AWOL. Entertaining stuff, but I have serious problems with the basic premise that cats are inherently anti-social. My cat Lyanna was really social up until the time we had to give her to my future brother-in-law after she was viciously attacking my fiancée and me every chance she got, likely because we introduced a kitten of whom she became extremely protective.
“Nine Lives” is mostly cat antics. You can see pretty much all the cat antics you want on YouTube (or my Facebook page, where I posted a lot of antics by Lyanna before she “went to study abroad,” as I put it when I baby-talk the kitten we kept).
This really creates a problem for the movie: In a world of easily accessible home videos, how do you create interesting, competitive cat antics? Director Barry Sonnenfeld (wait, what?) and writers Matt Allen, Dan Antoniazzi, Gwyn Lurie, Ben Shiffrin and Caleb Wilson square that circle by creating scenarios so outlandish that only a bizarrely flexible CGI cat can achieve them. My personal favorite is when the recently feline-ified Tom knocks over some 50-year-old scotch to get cat-drunk. He also does some "Matrix"-ish stuff later on. He falls from a lot of buildings, too. And dances.
So, anyway, there are a lot of cat antics in “Nine Lives,” and also an awful lot of jokes for "adults" that don't land on their feet. The fabulous Cheryl Hines shows up as Brand's ex-wife, a “Real Housewives” type who is constantly drinking. Her alcoholism isn't that funny. No adults in the theatre laughed. In fact, throughout the majority of “Nine Lives,” there was little laughter, even from the young kids who also filled the theater.
Teddy Sears (from TV's "The Flash") shows up as a possible love-interest for Garner's character, but this is a movie about a talking cat, so obviously the "infidelity" is just a misunderstanding. Speaking of infidelity, my fiancée and I kept the kitten, of course, and are trying to raise him well. But I feel deeply, deeply guilty that we usurped Lyanna from her home because of a decision we made that did not work out.
Speaking of decisions that didn't work out, it's not really my place to speculate as to the reasons why Sonnenfeld, Spacey, or the rest of the creative crew of “Nine Lives” participated in this movie. Cash-in? Fun? Empty schedule? Whatever. Directors, writers, actors — it's all work. I'm willing to be they had a good time making it.
There's nothing objectionable about “Nine Lives.” Is it the best “parent learns a lesson” movie? No. Will you leave the theater thinking, “Wow, that's one for the canon!”? No. Will you think you learned something important about life, the universe, pet ownership, family relationships or corporate politics? Not a chance. Did I ever think I'd have to give up my cat because I was so traumatized after one of her attacks that I'm still nervous around all animals? No.
Some things just happen. One of those things is that “Nine Lives” is perfectly, pleasantly watchable. And despite having put Lyanna in a place where she can be comfy, happy, secure, and loved, I cannot shake this overwhelming guilt.
But hey! See "Nine Lives!" At least this distracted me for 80 minutes.